Category Archives: Life, the Universe, and Everything

220. Wishing I Had Something Wise to Say

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This was a rough week. First of all, there was snow. I don’t like snow. It’s wet and cold and awful. There’s a reason Dante put snow—well, ice, which is almost the same thing—in the innermost circle of hell.

Snow was the least of my concerns this week. I suffered from depression. This was no surprise. Depression afflicts me occasionally. Sometimes it lasts only a few hours. Sometimes it lasts a week or more.

At its worst, depression is very much like a cold. These conditions share some symptoms, such as tiredness and lethargy. Depression also inflicts apathy, mild panic, feelings of hopelessness and an inability to focus. Both conditions last anywhere from a few days to more than a week, and they’re generally infrequent—thank God.

When paralyzed by depression, I watch helplessly as chores and commitments pile up. (Yes, these sometimes include blog posts.) I huddle in my armchair when depressed, unable to focus, dreading work, wishing I could just curl up in my sleeping bag and wait for my depression to go away… and wondering whether it ever will.

Depression sucks.

This week, I stumbled through a suffocating fog of stress and fatigue. I slept a lot, and forced myself to eat, and watched some Batman videos on YouTube, and then shuffled reluctantly out the door to go to work. For the most part, I didn’t live. I merely functioned.

Then I awoke on Thursday and felt fine. My depression disappeared overnight… as always.

Every time I have bad experiences, I try to learn from them. It comforts me to find to find lessons or blessings in unpleasant circumstances. I’ve used my struggles with depression to illustrate discussions about things like grace, compassion and the importance of a positive outlook.

Not today. I wish I had something wise to say. I’d love to wrap up this week with some neat, tidy lesson, but I can’t. It was a hard week, and God carried me through it, and that’s all there is. As much as I wish I could share some profound insight, I’ve got nothing.

I’m simply thankful today. I’m thankful my depression hasn’t ever become a permanent affliction. I’m thankful for family and warm clothes and God’s grace and rest and Batman and chocolate-covered espresso beans.

Whether or not my life seems to make perfect sense, I’m thankful to be alive.

214. Green Pastures, Quiet Waters and Hot Coffee

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About a week ago, I read Psalm 23 in my reluctant journey through the Psalms. (I don’t care much for the emotional poetry of the Psalms; I prefer the dry wit of Proverbs and philosophy of Ecclesiastes.) You’ve probably heard the twenty-third psalm, the famous Shepherd Psalm, at some point: “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.”

The past few weeks had been challenging. Work had worn me out. My car had issues. I suffered from depression and couldn’t get enough sleep. Life was busy, stressful and complicated. For weeks, I struggled to keep it together.

On that peaceful Sunday morning a week ago, I found Psalm 23 encouraging… in a mild, abstract sort of way. “He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.” It sounded pretty, sure, but it seemed too vague and poetic to be really comforting.

A few hours later, I found myself here:

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Green pastures beside quiet waters, and also hot coffee. I didn’t expect that.

A kindly gentleman from my older brother’s church rented a cabin by a lake for me and my family. We spent an entire week boating, swimming, kayaking, stargazing, watching movies, playing video games, going for walks, drinking coffee, devouring roasted marshmallows and simply hanging out.

My parents live in Uruguay, so we hardly ever have the entire family in one place at the same time. To have my family together for an entire week was awesome, and our cabin by the lake was so darn nice. I felt like a very rich person… and a very blessed one.

Well, I’m back. My vacation is done. I’ve returned to my apartment, my job, my faulty car and all the challenges, trials and responsibilities of my life.

You know what? I’m okay with that.

The Lord is my shepherd, and I shall not be in want.

210. TMTF Gets It Together

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Confession: For the past two weeks, I’ve been struggling to keep it together.

(Can I confess stuff on my blog? Are bloggers allowed to do that?)

Work has been oddly exhausting. My younger brother recently moved in with me, which has been awesome… and a bit stressful for both of us. My car, Tribulation, lived up to its name and stopped working properly. (Well, Trib never quite worked properly, but it generally came close enough.) I will probably have to pay for expensive repairs or else buy a new car.

Even my typewriter monkeys are still on strike. (I’m typing out this post myself: grueling hard work.) My monkeys keep waving signs at me and threatening to break my coffeepot if I don’t meet their demands, which mostly involve bananas and health insurance.

For two weeks, I’ve felt overwhelmed by changes and difficulties and responsibilities. Mild anxiety has repeatedly given way to discouragement or quiet panic.

Times like these never last, thank God. I’m finally getting it together. As usual, there was no magical moment, abrupt epiphany or blinding revelation that fixed everything instantly. Getting it together has taken work, prayer, sleep, coffee and this post from Amy Green, whose blog is way better than mine.

I was planning to discuss Christian evangelism or Scott Pilgrim today, but those posts can wait. Today is a good day to talk about what’s going on in our lives.

So what’s going on in your life? Let us know in the comments!

209. Super Stück Bros.

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My younger bro, who arrived in the US a couple of weeks ago from Uruguay, is now living with me.

So yeah, that’s awesome.

My younger brother may be taller than I, but I'm STOUTER.

My younger brother may be taller than I, but I’m STOUTER.

My parents will also be staying in the area for a few months. They live in Uruguay, so I haven’t seen them in many, many months. (For my readers unversed in geography: Uruguay is quite a long way from my home in Berne, Indiana.) I’m delighted they’ll be around for a while!

Between work, helping my brother get settled and other commitments, I’m going to be pretty busy next week. I’ve decided to take the week off from my blogs. Fear not, dear reader! Regular updates shall resume on TMTF on Monday, September 16, and on the Solidarity blog on Thursday, September 19.

There’s one more reason for my decision to take a week off from this blog. My typewriter monkeys are striking… again. They’re upset about my brother invading (their word) my apartment. (I concede that Mole End, my apartment, is getting a bit crowded.) It will take at least a week to get my monkeys back to work.

In the meantime, I’ve got things to do and places to be and coffee to drink. Onward!

208. Mangling Spanish: A Beginner’s Guide

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One of my new year’s resolutions was to improve my Spanish, and I’ve finally resumed my linguistic studies. How have I chosen to study? In the same way all great scholars do, of course.

I’m watching cartoons.

Specifically, I’m watching the Spanish language dub of Avatar: The Last Airbender, my all-time favorite show. It’s a wonderful way to study. Just hearing spoken Spanish again is working wonders for my vocabulary, grammar and syntax.

My studies have reminded me of the linguistic horror stories (or comedies, depending on your point of view) I’ve heard from acquaintances in my homeland of Ecuador.

For example, there was a gentleman who asked for sopa to wash his hands. He meant soap. He received soup.

There was a lady who tried to explain that she had been embarrassed by a pastor, and used the word embarazada because of its similarity to the English word embarrassed. What she announced by mistake was that the pastor had made her pregnant.

Another lady wanted to ride a horse without a rope attached to its bridle, and asked the owner whether she might have permission to mount his horse without the ropa. This greatly alarmed the owner, since ropa is Spanish for clothes.

My favorite story comes from the husband of one of my middle school teachers. One day a group of Jehovah’s Witnesses came to his door. He informed them in faltering Spanish that he did not care to hear about Jehovah’s Witnesses, and was baffled at how angrily they departed.

Only later did he realize that instead of calling them Testigos de Jehová, Jehovah’s Witnesses, he had mistakenly called them Testículos de Jehová—Jehovah’s Testicles.

Not every story is a painful one. A favorite of mine is that of an interpreter asked to translate the following joke into Spanish for an audience: “What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.”

This awful joke, a play on words, works only in English.

That brilliant interpreter didn’t let that stop him. Without missing a beat, he translated the question into Spanish and answered it with a new punchline: “Hola!”

This Spanish word for hello sounds exactly like ola, the word for wave. That, dear reader, is pretty dashed clever.

I haven’t made any truly memorable mistakes in Spanish, but that’s all right. I’m already quite good enough at making a fool of myself in English.

201. And We’re Back!

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My typewriter monkeys have dusted off their typewriters. I’ve brewed some coffee, fired up my laptop and spent roughly half an hour trying to think of a really clever way to start off this blog post.

Ah, it’s good to be back.

Truth be told, I really needed the break. TMTF had become an obligation, and getting away from it for a few weeks was exactly what I needed to renew my enthusiasm for rambling about faith, writing, video games, literature, life, the universe and everything.

Having cherished a private hope that my typewriter monkeys would make their month-long vacation in Tijuana a permanent stay, I was disappointed. My monkeys have returned. They brought back a baffling collection of souvenirs: three sacks of coconuts, a Velvet Elvis and a hideous false mustache. (I know better than to ask questions.) My monkeys are annoyed to be back, and I’m annoyed they’re back, so at least we agree on something.

In other news, my break gave me an opportunity to make plans for my writing.

At some point, for example, I may put Geeky Wednesdays on hold for a dozen weeks and republish The Infinity Manuscript as a serial. Hardly anyone has read The Infinity Manuscript, which is rather a shame. I put quite a lot of work into it. Rerunning the story seems like a great option if I become temporarily too busy to handle the pressure of writing new Geeky Wednesday posts every week.

I didn’t exactly devote my month off to soul-searching, but it hit me more clearly than ever before that I need to have a better, brighter outlook. I’m a pessimist. As often as I’ve pointed out the importance of being positive, I haven’t been consistent in having a hopeful attitude.

Few things are drearier than forcing or faking cheerfulness. Artificial happiness is a poor alternative to honest pessimism. Father Brown, G.K. Chesterton’s great detective, called an outlook of false optimism “a cruel religion.”

It finally struck me that having a cheerful outlook is not the same as merely pretending to be cheerful. Without making the slightest effort to feel a certain way, I can choose to focus on the positive over the negative instead of succumbing to Batman Syndrome and letting the negative eclipse everything else.

All this to say: I’ve been more positive lately. It’s nice. I recommend it.

The past year was an adventure. I found a job, settled down, learned some invaluable lessons, ate a lot of cookies and discovered coffee tastes great with bourbon.

This was the year I grew up.

I remain grateful to God for bringing me so far, excited to press onward and upset with my typewriter monkeys for cluttering up my apartment with coconuts. I wish they had stayed in Tijuana.

200. TMTF RAP BATTLE!

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My typewriter monkeys have finally revealed their sinister plans for this blog’s two hundredth post. They’ve hired some guy called Ice Kream to humiliate me in a rap battle. I’m not sure what a rap battle is, but I know one thing.

This is my blog, and I will defend it!

I should have seen this coming. Oh, well. Live and learn.

I want to thank Kevin McCreary from The Ceiling Fan Podcast. I sent him an email asking to use a rap beat he’d written for his show; he replied by offering to write a brand-new beat and record guest lyrics for this rap battle. His generosity is amazing, and it has been an honor to work with him.

To hear more excellent music from Kevin and the Ceiling Fan crew, check out M’Kalister Park, a silly and wonderful album available on Amazon.com. I highly recommend it, especially if you’ve ever listened to Adventures in Odyssey.

Next, a word to my typewriter monkeys: If you ever do this again, I will donate you to the zoo. That is all.

I would like to thank my father for supporting this blog since before it began. His fantastic artwork, lavish encouragement and gentle criticism have been extremely helpful. Thanks, old man. You’re a Stout Fella.

I’m truly grateful to everyone else who has supported TMTF by writing guest posts, sharing artwork, leaving comments, celebrating Be Nice to Someone on the Internet Day, following the blog, adding it to their blogrolls, linking to it via social media or simply reading it. I deeply appreciate every bit of support!

I guess I should give a shout out to my typewriter monkeys—Sophia, Socrates, Plato, Hera, Penelope, Aristotle, Apollo, Euripides, Icarus, Athena, Phoebe and Aquila—for occasionally helping out with this blog. Thanks, guys.

TMTF ain’t much, but soli Deo gloria all the same.

I’m not sure what lies ahead for this blog. Heck, I haven’t the slightest idea of what my own future holds.

As always, I’m comforted by these words from the old hymn: “Through many trials, toils and snares I have already come. ‘Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”

I believe it, and I hope TMTF will be there to chronicle every serious, strange and silly thing along the way.

TMTF shall return on August 9, 2013. In the meantime, please feel free to check out my novel, past posts in the Archive or the fantasy novella I published as a serial on this blog.

Thanks for reading! We’ll be back!

199. TMTF’s Top Ten TMTF Posts

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We are now a few days away from whatever sinister surprise my typewriter monkeys have planned for this blog’s two hundredth post. They keep telling me I’m going to get “creamed.” I’m worried, guys.

I’ve written a lot of blog posts. I love making top ten lists. Need I say more?

Each of the following posts has been chosen for one of two reasons: it is either a significant contribution to this blog or a meaningful post to me personally.

With that, ladies and gentlemen, TMTF proudly and shamelessly presents…

The TMTF List of Top Ten TMTF Posts!

10. Gangster Pastors

This post about reformed criminals tells stories that seem almost too incredible to be true, but to the best of my knowledge—and I was very thorough in checking my facts—every incident, however strange, happened exactly as described.

I find some of these stories absolutely hilarious, and I consider the lives of these “gangster pastors” some of the most compelling evidence I’ve seen to support the existence of a loving God. These men have seen miracles. These men are miracles.

9. Of Coffee and Castaways: Five Poems

I’ve tried for years to write poetry. Most of my attempts were rubbish, but a few turned out not completely awful. (One is, of course, a poem about my lousy poetry.) While I appreciate poetry in the same abstract way I value things like economics and trigonometry, I don’t know much about it.

This make me all the more proud of the few poems I’ve written that succeed in being almost mediocre. I think these five were a refreshing change of pace from my blog’s usual ramblings.

8. Magical Rainbow Ponies?

About a year ago, I struggled through one of the most difficult transitions of my life. I had to switch countries, earn a driver’s license, get a credit card, find a job and publish a novel. I was finally becoming an adult, and I didn’t like it.

During those dark days, I decided on a whim to investigate an inexplicably popular pony cartoon sweeping across the Internet. My study of the pony phenomenon, chronicled on my blog, brought me many laughs at a time when I really needed them. For me, this post represents every time this blog has set aside serious reflections and rambled about something ridiculous.

7. A Conversation with Myself

When I construct stories, dialogue is absolutely my favorite thing to write. It was great fun to write a post consisting of nothing but dialogue. This post, the first of several “conversations,” was a fun change from my ordinary prose.

I tend to be an insecure person. As I wrote this post, I enjoyed poking fun at my insecurities about things like quoting people frequently, watching cartoons and using dated British idioms in everyday conversation.

6. When I Have No Words

When I was in high school, one of my teachers introduced me to the problem of religious persecution. I was skeptical at first. “Yeah, Christians were thrown to lions, like, eighteen centuries ago.” However, every week—every freaking week—he had a new stack of reports about religious persecution. I became more and more shocked. How was this stuff not noticed by mainstream media? Why did only a few people seem to care?

Religious persecution upsets me. A lot. It’s hard for me, as I live my cozy little American life, even to come close to caring as much as I should. But I do care. And that’s why this post matters.

5. A Portrait of the Artist as a Performing Monkey

This is perhaps the best short story I’ve written, and yet another change from my blog’s usual format. The story, whose title is a play on A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, depicts the struggles of a young author to overcome writer’s block and pen the opening chapter of a novel.

I put quite a lot of myself into the protagonist. Gabriel’s battle against writer’s block reflects my own. We both love coffee, detest vampire stories and dislike the baffling complexities of the publishing industry. I can’t pretend any of my stories are great, but I’m rather pleased with how this one turned out.

4. TMTF’s Top Ten Manly Men in Literature

To paraphrase Strong Bad, “My top ten lists are like my childrens. I love them all!” My favorite list is usually my most recent one.

I’ve chosen this list because it was the first time I took this blog’s visuals seriously. I formatted the pictures in this post for consistency, experimented with captions and tried other things I’d never tried before. My posts from this point onward looked nicer and neater. I also like this post because, you know, manly men are awesome.

3. Jerks, Trolls and Other Hazards of the Internet

I’m not sure where the idea for Be Nice to Someone on the Internet Day came from, but I think it’s a good one. The Internet can be a scary place; wise old Obi-Wan may have been thinking of the World Wide Web when he said, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Since so many insults and arguments are exchanged online, defying the trolls and setting aside a day to be nice to someone on the Internet seemed like the best kind of irony.

With the generous support of several fellow bloggers, to whom I remain very grateful, Be Nice to Someone on the Internet Day happened on March 4 this year. I hope it will happen again next year!

2. My Battle with Depression

I read several blogs by people who are incredibly honest and vulnerable about their struggles. Their openness amazes me. It is so dashed hard for me to write about my mistakes and faults. It’s embarrassing. I prefer to pontificate about storytelling, write about Doctor Who or try in some other way to give the impression of being a cheerful, bookish eccentric.

Depression is an awkward thing to write about. It’s an admission of helplessness, a confession that I don’t have it all together. That’s why posts like these are important: I don’t have it all together. Admitting it openly is a good thing.

1. God’s Fool

I generally reach my conclusions before writing about them. This all-important post was different. It shaped my beliefs by answering a question that had nagged at me for months: Why in blazes do I believe what I believe?

To be honest, I have great sympathy for atheists, agnostics and humanists. For all my studies and musings, I have absolutely no answer to many questions about faith and God. I believe because my evidence for God outweighs my evidence against him. There are things I don’t understand, things that trouble me greatly, but I believe anyway. If that makes me a fool, at least I’m God’s fool.

What are your all-time favorite blog posts? (They don’t have to be from this blog.) If you have a blog, what’s your favorite post you’ve written? Let us know in the comments!

198. The Art of TMTF

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Today’s post highlights some of the great artwork this blog has been privileged to share. Prepare to be dazzled!

A Reasonably Accurate Depiction of the Typewriter Monkey Task Force

This is my blog’s header, the picture that started it all, generously provided by my old man at my request (read: nagging insistence). I recommend opening this image in a new tab or window in order to bask in its full majesty.

A Wes Molebash original!

Wes Molebash, web cartoonist extraordinaire, has generously allowed me to feature some of his comics and artwork (such as this impressive picture of Link) on my blog. Wes even wrote a guest post about creativity and Legend of Zelda games!

There ought to be a law against selling pyrotechnics to monkeys.

Monkeys and pyrotechnics are a bad combination.

Wait, which way to the future?

As I considered changes to my blog, my old man provided yet another lovely sketch.

Not many people know this, but I'm actually a pony.

This is a picture of me working on this blog, except that I’m a cartoon pony. I don’t really have anything else to say about this one.

Besides being brave and noble, Link has a great fashion sense.

Little known fact: My blog attracts cool pictures of Link from the Legend of Zelda games. This one’s from my younger bro, whose deviantART page is awesome.

“I don’t always write posts for other blogs, but when I do I write them for Typewriter Monkey Task Force.”

This image, a close-up from my blog’s header, might be my favorite picture from the entire blog.

197. A Brief History of TMTF

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I had to delve into the shadowed depths of my email archives, but I managed to pinpoint the exact day in history when the concept for this blog came to be.

On September 10, 2010 I sent a Kicking Cricket—one of my personal newsletters—that contained the following paragraphs.

My first step to kicking a Cricket is to experience an amusing/interesting/uncomfortable event. I then assemble my elite team of typewriter monkeys and explain exactly what happened.

“All right,” I say, “I want you all to take notes. Socrates, put down your typewriter. Thank you. Now, I was at the Acorn this morning—Hermes, stop poking Odysseus. If you two can’t sit next to each other without fighting I’m going to separate you. As I was saying, I was at the Acorn when a fellow came in with a girl riding on his shoulders. I’d never seen anything like it. For the last time, Socrates, put down the typewriter! So a chap came in carrying his girlfriend and ordered a meal. I want you to—Heracles! If I see you pinch Helen one more time, I’m going to be very angry.”

And so forth, until my TMTF (Typewriter Monkey Task Force) types out a draft of something that is readable and doesn’t bend the facts too much. I revise the draft, type it into my computer and send it forth to be read by my beloved family.

I didn’t intend my Typewriter Monkey Task Force to be anything more than a silly joke, but before long my monkeys were creeping into nearly every one of my newsletters.

These emails, which were titled Kicking Crickets and later renamed Closet Vikings after my favorite fake names for rock bands, consisted largely of the kinds of ramblings I post on this blog. From book reviews to spiritual reflections, my Crickets and Vikings shared my thoughts on, well, faith, writing, video games, literature, life, the universe and everything.

My typewriter monkeys quickly became a running gag. Their second appearance introduced their habit of striking frequently, and later emails showed the TMTF breaking typewriters, misusing fireworks and conducting scientific research to prove that “resemblance to Winston Churchill is a trait manifested by most healthy babies of European descent.”

Around the time I started the typewriter monkey gag in my newsletters, I discovered a hilariously funny blog called Stuff Christians Like that poked fun at the quirkiness of Christian culture. I’m a curmudgeon when it comes to a lot of religious stuff, so I loved it.

Many months later, I stumbled upon a letter to Jon Acuff, the blogger behind Stuff Christians Like. The writer of the letter had been disillusioned by the empty, dreary religious clutter surrounding God. Stuff Christians Like restored her faith by showing her how Christianity could be funny, happy and hopeful. By presenting serious insights in a comical way, Jon Acuff’s blog changed her life.

I finished reading the letter and came to a decision. Somewhere out there, I mused, is a person whose life can be changed by stupid typewriter monkey gags.

I was joking… well, sort of.

I decided to start a blog.

Right from the beginning, I knew what its theme and title would be: Typewriter Monkey Task Force, a blog about… well… anything.

After obtaining a fantastic header illustration from my old man, I spent a panicked week figuring out the WordPress blogging system and setting up my blog. On August 27, 2011, TMTF blundered hopefully onto the Internet landscape.

There have been many changes since. The blog’s original three-post-a-week schedule was reduced to two posts, and later supplemented by weekly installments of a novella I wrote as a serial. Following the novella’s conclusion, the schedule reverted to two posts until the recent introduction of Geeky Wednesdays. I also posted some random creative writing and a series of posts covering the basics of Christian living.

Types of posts have come and gone. Old features like the Turnspike Emails were cut, replaced by new ones such as Why [Insert Author Name] Is Awesome. Several writers and bloggers have shared guest posts, and I’ve been privileged to work with some incredibly generous, talented people.

Did I mention that my readers are awesome? Because they are.

You are.

For almost two years, TMTF has been a blessing to me. Certain posts have forced me to reconsider some of my views and beliefs. A few posts have permitted me, a reserved, introverted person, to share my struggles and vent my feelings openly. Many posts have been therapeutic, encouraging or simply fun to write.

Sure, keeping this blog’s deadlines has been stressful. No, TMTF hasn’t had the same phenomenal impact as greater blogs. Yes, my typewriter monkeys are often a nuisance.

All the same, I remain thankful for Typewriter Monkey Task Force.