220. Wishing I Had Something Wise to Say

This was a rough week. First of all, there was snow. I don’t like snow. It’s wet and cold and awful. There’s a reason Dante put snow—well, ice, which is almost the same thing—in the innermost circle of hell.

Snow was the least of my concerns this week. I suffered from depression. This was no surprise. Depression afflicts me occasionally. Sometimes it lasts only a few hours. Sometimes it lasts a week or more.

At its worst, depression is very much like a cold. These conditions share some symptoms, such as tiredness and lethargy. Depression also inflicts apathy, mild panic, feelings of hopelessness and an inability to focus. Both conditions last anywhere from a few days to more than a week, and they’re generally infrequent—thank God.

When paralyzed by depression, I watch helplessly as chores and commitments pile up. (Yes, these sometimes include blog posts.) I huddle in my armchair when depressed, unable to focus, dreading work, wishing I could just curl up in my sleeping bag and wait for my depression to go away… and wondering whether it ever will.

Depression sucks.

This week, I stumbled through a suffocating fog of stress and fatigue. I slept a lot, and forced myself to eat, and watched some Batman videos on YouTube, and then shuffled reluctantly out the door to go to work. For the most part, I didn’t live. I merely functioned.

Then I awoke on Thursday and felt fine. My depression disappeared overnight… as always.

Every time I have bad experiences, I try to learn from them. It comforts me to find to find lessons or blessings in unpleasant circumstances. I’ve used my struggles with depression to illustrate discussions about things like grace, compassion and the importance of a positive outlook.

Not today. I wish I had something wise to say. I’d love to wrap up this week with some neat, tidy lesson, but I can’t. It was a hard week, and God carried me through it, and that’s all there is. As much as I wish I could share some profound insight, I’ve got nothing.

I’m simply thankful today. I’m thankful my depression hasn’t ever become a permanent affliction. I’m thankful for family and warm clothes and God’s grace and rest and Batman and chocolate-covered espresso beans.

Whether or not my life seems to make perfect sense, I’m thankful to be alive.

2 thoughts on “220. Wishing I Had Something Wise to Say

  1. I have found that not every awful chapter of our lives has to make sense or needs to have a grand lesson to teach us. Sometimes things just happen, life is affected by so many different factors at any given moment that sometimes we learn a thing or two from a given situation, but we must not despair if we go through a rough patch without having gotten something out of it. The important thing, as you pointed out yourself, is that you are alive and have the love of a super awesome family and an amazing God who cares for you and has created this huge universe just so that you could spend your life getting to know Him.

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

    • Not every trial, trouble and tribulation has a lesson to teach, it’s true. All the same, I sometimes can’t shake a sad sense of loss or waste when I struggle with depression. I’m thankful to be recovering! 🙂

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