432. Strange American Trickster Rituals

Posted on April 1, 2016 by Adam Stück

On this first of April, TMTF dives again into the fascinating world of anthropology. We have already studied Halloween, with its gruesome ritual of carving jackal lanterns; Thanksgiving, with its sacrificial turkeys and gladiatorial sports; and St. Valentine’s Day, with its sentimental celebrations of a saint’s violent martyrdom. As we research holidays and share our findings on this blog, we pride ourselves upon the unflinching accuracy and trustworthiness of our investigations.

Today we turn our inquisitive gaze toward April Fools’ Day.

Insect lamp

In many parts of the world, one day of the year is set aside for playing harmless pranks upon friends and neighbors. April Fools’ Day is the most famous variation of this event, observed in the United States and elsewhere. It is celebrated with tricks, pranks, and hoaxes.

As historical context for the holiday is relatively scarce, we must begin our investigation with its name. The possessive case of the noun phrase April Fools’ in the holiday’s appellation is intriguing. The simplest interpretation suggests a day in April belonging to simpleminded people. A more specific theory, however, posits that April Fools is a formal title.

The latter interpretation of the holiday begs a number of questions. Who are the April Fools? What claim do they make upon April 1, and by what authority? Are the April Fools some sort of secret society? Why do they promote and encourage mayhem in the form of pranks and hoaxes on April Fools’ Day? Is it all a sinister conspiracy?!

Joker card

Caution prevents us from investigating this theory any further. If April Fools’ Day does belong to some secret society, we have no intention of exposing it. We know better than to provoke shadowy syndicates. If we wanted to put our lives on the line, we would be investigative journalists, not bloggers.

It may be unsafe for us to discuss the dubious origins of April Fools’ Day, but we can probably discuss the holiday’s customs without fear of reprisal. April Fools’ Day is an excuse to pull pranks and tell lies—it’s rather disgraceful, if you think about it. The holiday makes liars and tricksters of sane, respectable people.

Nowhere are there more casualties than on the Internet, which is already a fairly dishonest place. Only fools—not April Fools, mind you, but plain, non-secret society fools—swallow everything the Internet offers on April Fools’ Day. False news, spurious announcements, and fake media trailers abound. As Homestar Runner, the noted philosopher, observed, April 1 is “the day the Internet gets on the Internet to make inside jokes about the Internet!”

Yes, April 1 is an occasion for healthy skepticism… except for when you read this blog, of course. TMTF would never, on any day of the year, stoop to such shameful silliness, especially not on April Fools’ Day.

You can trust us.*

Be safe out there, everyone. Happy April Fools’ Day!

*Yeah, no. We’re making up all of this nonsense, yo. Don’t take any of it seriously! I would acknowledge today’s silliness by saying “April Fool,” but most of my posts about holidays are unashamed nonsense, so what would be the point?

Strange American Valentine Rituals

Posted on February 12, 2016 by Adam Stück

The United States of America has many strange customs and holidays, and I consider it my duty to research them. With St. Valentine’s Day soon taking place, I set my studies of Halloween and Thanksgiving behind me in order to give this latest holiday the anthropological scrutiny it deserves.*

My findings were… dark. Despite its popular image as a time for giving gifts and expressing romantic love, St. Valentine’s Day represents bloodstained history and wanton consumerism.

Verily, of the various letters vividly visible above, the very first veers vaguely toward the visual vibe of a violent yet entertaining film I once viewed.

Verily, of the various letters vividly visible above, the very first veers vaguely toward the visual vibe of a viscerally vicious and violent film I once viewed: V for Valentine, or some variation.

As the holiday is named for a historical figure, my first task was to research St. Valentine himself. Little is known of this ancient Roman martyr, whose death is celebrated every year in America by the sale and distribution of gifts such as flowers, chocolates, cookies, cards, jewelry, and frilly undergarments. St. Valentine, who is known as Valentinus in some accounts, is surrounded by legends, but few facts remain.

Upon finding the study of this dead saint to be a dead end, I turned my researches toward the holiday itself, and discovered a sordid celebration of Valentine’s demise.

The name of the event, St. Valentine’s Day, is generally shortened to Valentine’s Day by the disgraceful omission of Valentine’s hagiographic title. Just as the Christmas season is marked by certain colors (viz. red and green), so Valentine’s Day is recognized by the colors red and pink.

The significance of these colors is open to speculation. Given what little is known of St. Valentine’s personal history, the color red may represent his violent death as a martyr. Pink generally represents love or sweetness; its association with the bloody red of Valentine’s death demonstrates a disturbing veneration of violence.

More than fifteen centuries after Valentine’s tragic end, why is it celebrated by the giving of gifts? Why is romantic love the legacy of Valentine’s martyrdom? What aspect of his brutal death inspired sappy cards, heart-shaped candies, and other mawkish gifts?

These are distressing questions, and my best researches have yielded no answer.

Do you know what else is distressing? These awful pills. I don't know what kind of medication they contain, but they taste awful.

Do you know what else is distressing? These awful tablets. I don’t know what kind of medication they contain, but they taste awful.

Perhaps it would be prudent for me to narrow the lens of my researches from the purpose of the holiday to its specific observances.

The greatest tradition of Valentine’s Day seems to be buying things, such as the aforementioned flowers, candy, cookies, cards, jewelry, and lingerie. This eclectic assortment of romantic items has no discernible connection to Valentine himself, leaving me to surmise that their popularity as Valentine’s Day gifts is prompted by the theme of romantic love that has left its indelible and inexplicable mark upon the remembrance of that saint’s death.

Never mind the occasion—coffee is always an appropriate gift.

Although these gifts are generally exchanged by romantic partners, it is common for celebrants of Valentine’s Day to distribute cheaper and less intimate gifts among friends, classmates, and coworkers; candy and cards are among the most popular options. Other Valentine’s Day traditions observed in America include going on dates or to parties.

A romantic card or letter given on Valentine’s Day is known as a valentine. This eponymous designation is shared by any person to whom such a card or letter is given.

(If I may permit a personal view to interfere with my serious studies of American holidays: I strongly opine that video game valentines are the best valentines.)

If you recognize all of the games represented in these Valentine's Day cards, you deserve a cookie.

If you recognize all of the games represented in these valentines, a winner is you!

In conclusion, Valentine’s Day seems to celebrate the violent death of a good man, associating it (for dark, unknown reasons) with romantic sentimentality. I acknowledge, regardless, the importance of the virtues venerated by the holiday—to wit, love and friendship.

Thus, with sincerity and due caution, I wish you a happy St. Valentine’s Day.

*I should remind my dear readers that my studies of American holidays are silly, sarcastic, and absolutely not serious. This blog post is a joke. Please don’t take it seriously!

This post was originally published on February 13, 2015. TMTF shall return with new content on February 22, 2016!

Strange American Turkey Rituals

Posted on November 23, 2015 by Adam Stück

As much as I like the United States of America, I’m confused and disturbed by some of its customs. (The traditions in my homeland of Ecuador seemed so much simpler.) For example, Americans will celebrate a festival of ritualistic gluttony known as Thanksgiving in just a few days.

We at Typewriter Monkey Task Force pride ourselves on our anthropological researches. Although we generally reserve our investigations for important matters such as geek culture and cartoons for little girls, we’re expanding our vision to cover American holidays. Our research is completely authentic, and presented in a factual manner utterly devoid of humor, sarcasm, or silliness.*

As I recovered from last month’s sinister pumpkin rituals, I heard disquieting rumors of a November celebration for which Americans gather to disembowel turkeys and observe brutal bouts of gladiatorial violence. Halloween was odd, but Thanksgiving truly takes the cake… or the pie in this case.

Let’s start with the turkeys.

I’m guessing this is some kind of ritual sacrifice.

According to tradition, many American families prepare a turkey for the Thanksgiving festival. The bird is slaughtered and disemboweled. Then, in a macabre twist, its innards are replaced with a mixture of dried bread and spices. Thus desecrated, the turkey’s carcass is placed in an oven, cooked, and then served as part of the traditional Thanksgiving meal.

I can only speculate that the Thanksgiving turkey is a sacrifice offered as an act of thanksgiving for a good year, hence the name of the holiday. Note that the bird is not immolated as a burnt offering. It is eaten instead by participants in the Thanksgiving festival. I can only infer that the turkey’s ceremonial function is similar to the wave offering prescribed for ancient Israel in the earlier books Old Testament: an offering dedicated, but eaten instead of burned.

The sacrificial turkey is generally served with foods such as mashed potatoes, gravy, ham, corn, bread rolls, pies, and sauerkraut. (I presume sauerkraut is eaten because it has ceremonial significance; I can hardly imagine anyone actually liking the stuff.) Collectively, these foods are called Thanksgiving dinner.

Thanksgiving dinner is often devoured with reckless enthusiasm. This annual display of gluttony occurs so widely that it may be ritualistic. Worship has taken many forms in different epochs and cultures: singing, dancing, praying, meditating, offering sacrifices, making pilgrimages, giving alms, and even inflicting self-harm. Could overeating be a form of worship unique to the Thanksgiving festival? Of course, these are just speculations.

The final custom we will examine is that of football.

This display of unbridled savagery baffles me.

This so-called game, a demonstration of unbridled savagery, baffles me.

This athletic event is not to be confused with the sport of the same name, known as soccer to Americans. Having done a little research, I have concluded that American football is a gladiatorial competition in which armored men ram into each other on a field. Their goal is to take, by means of extreme force, an elliptical object that seems to be the eponymous football. This football is carried by hand, not propelled by foot, rendering the origin of its name an incomprehensible mystery.

We conclude that Thanksgiving is an appalling display of gluttony, violence, and unexplained rituals. However, in the interests of anthropological study, we intend to sample Thanksgiving dinner this year. For science.

*Nah, we’re just kidding.

This post was originally published on November 24, 2014. TMTF shall return with new content on November 30, 2015!

338. Strange American Valentine Rituals

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Adam Stück

The United States of America has many strange customs and holidays, and I consider it my duty to research them. With St. Valentine’s Day taking place tomorrow, I set my studies of Halloween and Thanksgiving behind me in order to give this latest holiday the anthropological scrutiny it deserves.*