Category Archives: Life, the Universe, and Everything

240. TMTF Chills Out

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This blog has frozen. No, really. Even the Internet is not immune to the record-breaking cold that swept over America last week, and TMTF is encased in a thick layer of ice. My readers assure me they’re still able to navigate this blog, fortunately, but updating TMTF will be nearly impossible until it warms up. The ice is too thick, and a flock of penguins keeps getting in the way.

Penguin!

Typewriter Monkey Task Force: Now Featuring 100% More Penguins!

Since TMTF is on ice, this seems like a fine opportunity to take a break. I feel like I’ve taken too many breaks from this blog, but I have good reasons.

1. TMTF has frozen.

See above.

2. My typewriter monkeys are serving two weeks for arson, public indecency and possession of illegal pyrotechnics.

Don’t ask.

3. The past four months have been crazy.

Since September, I gained a housemate and gave up a project on which I had worked for nearly eight years. My car, Tribulation, lived up to its name and spent more than a month on the fritz. I had bouts with sickness and depression; in fact, at this very moment, I’m recovering from a really bad cold.

Most significantly, my job became very difficult.

I don’t write much about my employment in a home for gentlemen with disabilities. It’s a great job, but the last thing I want to do in my free time is to blog about work. However, without going into tedious details, I’ll share just a little.

Four major complications arose at my workplace in October. Months later, my coworkers and I are still feeling their effects. There have been a few days (and nights) in past months when my job has seemed kind of awful.

My life appears to be calming down at last—thank God! All the same, I could use a couple of weeks to rest, work ahead on this blog and finish the Ace Attorney game I started way back in October.

4. I have resolved to keep up with this lousy blog.

Keeping up with this blog is one of my resolutions for 2014, and I intend to keep it. I think giving myself a head start early in the year, even if it means taking a break, is the most sensible plan.

To tell the truth, I feel insecure when I take breaks from blogging. I have an irrational fear that readers will abandon TMTF the instant it stops updating regularly, or that it will fall apart the second I look away. It is at times such as these that I must reorder my priorities and remind myself that importance and urgency are not the same thing. This blog is important to me, but it doesn’t have to be urgent.

I think TMTF should chill out for a while.

We’ll be back on Monday, January 27. Here’s hoping this blog has thawed out by then!

238. That Time I Survived a Volcanic Eruption

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I live in Indiana, where there are no volcanoes. We have woods and cornfields and adorable squirrels, but no volcanic eruptions. I appreciate Indiana’s peaceful predictability. The weather can be nasty and tornadoes blow through occasionally, but ash and brimstone are pretty rare.

A few days ago, I spent a moment of my tranquil Indiana life trying to think of past adventures to write about for this blog. I have previously shared anecdotes of memorable moments in my life: tales of awkward kisses and severed human arms and Giant Mutant Killer Jungle Ants. (All of these anecdotes, I assure my readers, are true.) Heck, my very first post for this blog was the story of That Time I Was Attacked by a Tomato.

I was beginning to worry I had run out of interesting anecdotes for this blog—and then I remembered all the times those freaking volcanoes went off when I was a kid.

Guagua Pichincha

Guagua Pichincha, 1999

The Andes Mountains run right down the middle of Ecuador, dividing my homeland neatly in two. The Andes are full of volcanoes. These have a disquieting tendency to go off like bombs, showering cities in ash.

Pictured above is the Pichincha Volcano, which erupted in 1999 and blanketed Quito, Ecuador’s capital, in ash. My older brother lived in Quito at the time, and he told me all about it when he came home to visit. I lived with my family in Santo Domingo de los Colorados, hours away from Quito, and thus missed all the excitement.

We would later climb one of Pichincha’s peaks, Rucu, on several occasions. Guagua, not Rucu, is the active peak of the volcano; consequently, we never witnessed any volcanic activity during our climbs.

Climbing Rucu, back when I was a pudgy teenager.

Climbing Rucu, back when I was a pudgy teenager.

In later years, when I lived in Quito, I survived two or three volcanic eruptions. We were too far from the volcano to see fire or sprays of lava, but we saw plenty of ash. Dash it all, did we see plenty of ash.

As a kid, I never got snow days. Snow hardly ever falls in Quito, and certainly never enough for school to be canceled. No, I got volcano days: weekdays when mounds of soft, powdery volcanic ash blocked the roads and shut down the schools. During the 1999 eruption, my brother and other Quito residents wore dust masks to keep the ash out of their lungs.

My memory is a sketchy thing at the best of times, and I don’t remember which volcanoes erupted when I lived in Quito. (Full disclosure: It took a bit of research to figure out whether the big eruption I remembered from 1999 came from Guagua Pichincha or Tungurahua.) The last eruption I recall happened when I was in seventh or eighth grade; my high school years were uninterrupted by clouds of volcanic ash.

Now that I live in Indiana, the most exciting disaster to strike is a tornado or a blizzard.

Not that I’m complaining, mind!

236. My (New) New Year’s Resolutions

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A new year is about to dawn, bringing endless opportunities for betterment, growth and self-improvement. (It also brings innumerable chances for making a fool of myself, but I’m trying not to think about that.) I’ve already reflected upon my resolutions for the past year. What about the next? In what ways will Adam strive to be a better person?

Here are my resolutions for 2014.

I will value variety

When I discover something I like, I stick to it until I’m sick of it—whether a song or a snack food or a television show. This is a really bad habit. I exhaust my enjoyment of all kinds of good things, and I make my life boring by doing the same blasted stuff over and over again. Variety is a gift. In the coming year, I intend to appreciate it.

I will live with confidence

If I had a penny for each of my insecurities, I would have enough cash to buy coffee at Starbucks. (That’s saying something.) I waste a lot of time and effort obsessively reassuring myself that I’m doing okay, everything is fine, etc. It’s annoying. I resolve to be confident—or at least to fake confidence—in my day-to-day life.

I will be a people person

As an introvert, I enjoy spending time alone. I think that’s perfectly fine; I scoff at the notion that introverts are broken extroverts. All the same, I can’t help but wonder… how many good things have I lost over the years because I chose to keep to myself? People have brought so much laughter and comfort and joy into my life, and I’d like to think I’ve occasionally brought something good into theirs. Without forsaking my love of peace and solitude, I want to spend more time with people.

I will keep up with this lousy blog

As you’ve probably noticed, I struggle to keep up with this blog. I write many posts—this one, for example—at the last minute, and generally fail to plan ahead. (My lack of self-discipline is surpassed only by my typewriter monkeys’ staggering apathy and laziness.) In the coming year, I’ll be more committed to working on this blog and writing posts in a timely fashion.

I will drink tea and coffee while they’re still hot

By the time I remember to quaff my final cups of morning coffee or my evening cup of tea, they’re usually cold. Seriously, I need to drink hot beverages while they’re, you know, still hot.

I will be consistent and faithful in fulfilling my spiritual commitments

Probably my greatest regret from the past five years is not being more faithful in reading Scripture and spending meaningful time in prayer. More recently, my churchgoing has been pretty inconsistent—my erratic work schedule is largely to blame, but still. My faith is absolutely the most important thing in my life, and I need to prove it in what I do.

Do you have any resolutions for the new year that you’re willing to share? Let us know in the comments!

235. My (Old) New Year’s Resolutions

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Twelve months ago, I made some new year’s resolutions. Did I keep them? Was this year of our Lord two thousand thirteen an epoch of marked self-improvement or abysmal failure?

Let’s find out.

These were my resolutions for 2013.

I will be focused, intentional and self-disciplined

For the most part, I kept this resolution. I occasionally wasted time, but less time than in years past. That’s an improvement, right?

I will finish the manuscript for The Wanderings of Lance Eliot

This… this was a resolution I couldn’t keep.

I will not be anxious, insecure or obsessive-compulsive

I’m still working on this one, but I made great progress this year. My anxieties and obsessive-compulsive tendencies were once debilitating struggles; they are now minor nuisances.

I will improve my Spanish

I worked a bit on my Spanish this year, but not as much as I had planned. My preferred method of study, watching cartoons in Spanish, was hindered by my laptop’s less-than-stellar DVD software. I’ll keep working on this one.

I will grow sideburns like the Tenth Doctor’s

The Tenth Doctor from Doctor Who boasted incomparable sideburns. Mine, though not as neat, weren’t bad. I consider this resolution kept, insofar as any mere mortal can keep an impossible resolution like equaling the majesty of the Tenth Doctor’s hairstyle.

I will take steps forward

I… sort of kept this resolution. I’m living in the same place, working the same job and generally living the same life, but I feel a good deal more assured and… well… grown up. For the moment, I believe I am exactly where I need to be.

So much for my old new year’s resolutions. What are my new new year’s resolutions? What are my plans for becoming a stronger, nicer, better person in 2014? Does anyone really care?

Find out next time!

What Makes Christmas Special

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I was planning to write a new post, but my typewriter monkeys drank too much eggnog last night and passed out on the floor of my apartment. Since they’re not awake to type out a new post, here’s one from last year about what makes Christmas special. Happy Christmas! Stay away from the eggnog!

Christmas.

What comes to your mind? Snow? Colored lights? Gift cards?

When I think of Christmas, what comes to my mind are palm trees, beaches at twilight and dusty houses built of cinder blocks.

Nothing says Christmas like a beach at twilight.

Nothing says Christmas like a beach at twilight.

As a missionary kid in Ecuador, I spent many Christmas vacations with my family at the beach. We’d pile into our car, crank up Adventures in Odyssey on our CD player and drive for hours: descending from the heights of the Andes, passing banana plantations, stopping at derelict gas stations for fuel and ice cream, winding among low hills and finally arriving at the beach.

Towns and villages are scattered across the Ecuadorian coast. Most of them are small, dirty, unimpressive places. Ecuador is a poor country. In December, however, these little communities are brightened with fake Christmas trees and cheap colored lights.

Not relevant to this blog post, but adorable.

What really sticks in my memory is the way people celebrated. My dad and I once passed a merry gathering of children in a little town on Christmas Eve. Many were barefooted; most were dirty; nearly everyone was smiling. It was a scene Charles Dickens would have been proud to write.

In Ecuador, Christmas is a time for celebration. It’s a time for fireworks, family get-togethers and three-liter bottles of Coca-Cola. (Yeah, we’ve got those in Ecuador. Be jealous, Americans.) It’s a time for celebration.

Of course, in many ways, Christmas in Ecuador isn’t much different from Christmas in the United States of America. There are the same silly commercials. The same packed shopping malls. The same frenzied media trying to squeeze as much money as they can out of the holiday season.

All the same, when I see the extravagant displays of holiday decorations around my current home in Indiana, I miss the cinderblock houses on the Ecuadorian coast with tacky tinsel in the windows. The dusty Nativity sets in the corners of living rooms. The cheap ornaments hung from two-foot Christmas trees. The flimsy plastic cups of Coca-Cola.

Most of all, I miss the joy.

What makes the holiday special isn’t the gifts or the decorations or the music or the food. Even the Grinch understands (eventually) that Christmas means more than stuff. Joy and celebration and being together with loved ones are what make Christmas special. The other stuff is nice, of course. The holiday stuff is like pretty wrapping paper and shiny ribbons covering the gifts under the Christmas tree.

In the end, though, who wants just the ribbons and wrapping paper without the presents?

233. The Best Christmas Special Ever

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There are one or two Christmas specials which are near and dear to my heart: for example, the Peanuts one.

Charlie Brown Christmas

After the incomparable Peanuts program, I think my favorite Christmas special is a silly sketch from the good folks at The Ceiling Fan Podcast.

The Ceiling Fan Podcast is an audio series produced by fans of Adventures in Odyssey. It’s the tale of Ethan Daniels, hyperactive teenager and self-proclaimed greatest Odyssey fan.

The Ceiling Fan Podcast

I could ramble on about The Ceiling Fan Podcast and how much I enjoy it, but I’m here to talk about Christmas specials.

(I will mention, however, that it was the creator of The Ceiling Fan Podcast who put together a freaking rap battle for this blog. He’s a really cool guy, and it was an awesome rap battle.)

In the classic film It’s a Wonderful Life, which I should probably watch someday, an angel shows a man named George how much worse the world would have been if he had never existed. Without realizing it, George had touched many lives and made an incredible difference for good.

In the best Ceiling Fan Christmas special, a man named John (a recurring character in the podcast) undergoes a similar experience… except his supernatural guides show him how much better the world would have been without him.

For example: John works as a newscaster for a failing radio station—a station confirmed to have only one regular listener. With another newscaster in his position, the station is incredibly successful. Another example: John lives alone with his cats. In his absence, a neighbor finds each of those cats a loving home—as she puts it, “It would be downright awful to have so many cats all living in one place! I can’t imagine any of them would like that very much!”

John’s conviction deepens that his life has been meaningless… and then he encounters a lonely boy named Ethan Daniels. Ethan is spending the holidays with his mom; his dad hasn’t ever been around for Christmas. At the moment, Ethan feels just as depressed as John.

Then Ethan turns on the radio and hears one of John’s newscasts. Ethan likes it, and decides to create a podcast of his own—The Ceiling Fan Podcast.

As they watch Ethan, John and his guide begin to talk, and music wells up in the background, and I shed a few quiet tears.

John’s guide explains: “This is the moment that little boy decides he wants to do a podcast, a podcast that gives him a purpose, and leads him to all kinds of adventures! And he meets some of his closest friends through it. And he has the time of this life. And it all starts at this moment. With you, John. Because of you.”

“And his podcast becomes big and famous, and changes a lot of lives?” asks John.

“No, John,” replies his guide. “It stays small… but it affects some lives.”

John seems to get it.

“Even if I only help this one kid, and it goes no further than that… it was worth it, right?”

“What do you think?”

John continues, stammering slightly. “He—he’s the one, isn’t he? The young man is—is the one who’s still listening to the show.”

“Yes.”

John concludes: “Even if I make a few people laugh, and I have fun and enjoy what I do, then it’s worth it.”

Something tells me the person who wrote this scene wrote it for himself. The Ceiling Fan Podcast isn’t big or famous. It hasn’t changed a lot of lives, but it has affected some. It has definitely affected mine. When I struggled through a bout with severe depression earlier this year, The Ceiling Fan Podcast is one of the things that kept me going.

Every time I hear this scene, I think of my lousy blog. (After wiping away manly tears, of course.) TMTF isn’t really successful. It hasn’t changed a lot of lives. It has stayed small… and it has, I hope, affected some lives.

“Even if I make a few people laugh, and I have fun and enjoy what I do, then it’s worth it.”

In what is becoming a Christmas tradition, this ridiculous holiday special—as far as I’m concerned, the best one ever—reminds me that something doesn’t have to be extravagantly successful to be worthwhile.

After all, a lot of good things have been small. Ethan Daniel’s podcast. Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. Christmas itself began with an ordinary girl in the ordinary town of Nazareth.

Few of us are great. That doesn’t have to stop the rest of us from trying! We may not change the world, but we can brighten our own little corners of it.

230. Advent Conspiracy Is Back!

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It’s that time of year again.

Yes, stores are selling, television specials are showing, cynics are sneering and a handful of awesome, crazy people are conspiring to save lives.

I don’t like churchy videos, but this one made such an impression on me years ago that I’ve shared it every Christmas season since. Watch it. I’ll wait for you.

Here are the facts.

1. Americans spend $450 billion on Christmas every year.

2. Lack of clean water kills more people every day than almost anything else on Earth.

3. The estimated cost to make clean water available to everyone on Earth is about $20 billion—roughly 4.5% of how much Americans spend on Christmas every single year.

The Advent Conspiracy is a resolution to spend less on stuff and more on people. Of course, buying Christmas gifts isn’t wrong. (I definitely have some holiday shopping planned.) The purpose of the Advent Conspiracy isn’t to stop spending money, but to spend it meaningfully.

Advent Conspiracy

Let’s face it—thirsty people need clean water more than we need Christmas presents.

The Advent Conspiracy is dedicated to providing clean water, but its principles can be applied to other good causes. The hungry, homeless and brokenhearted need our money as much as the thirsty. Where we give doesn’t matter as much as whether we give.

This Christmas, we can rescue people from poverty, thirst and sickness. This Christmas, we can change the world—or we can buy more stuff.

Let’s change the world.

More information about the Advent Conspiracy can be found here.

Happy Christmas!

227. The Return of the Anti-Adam

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Hello, Adam. It’s nice to see you. Wait, did I say nice? I meant nauseating. It’s nauseating to see you.

You again? If someone has to annoy me while I’m trying to write blog posts, can’t it be the other guy?

If you’re talking about the Pro-Adam, he couldn’t make it. Don’t act surprised. You know I visit you much more often than he does.

I know, but I hoped for some variety. His empty praise is a refreshing change from your undeserved insults. What is it this time?

There are a few things, actually. May I sit?

No.

I’ll take the armchair, thank you. First of all, I think some congratulations are in order. You’ve finally given up trying to write novels. Well done! It’s about time you took my advice and stopped embarrassing yourself.

I don’t think I’m a bad writer, and I haven’t given up on The Eliot Papers. I’ve just put the project on hold indefinitely. I believe my circumstances made it necessary.

When you say “my circumstances,” I presume you’re referring to your lack of ambition and talent as a writer. I understand completely. Well, at least you have your blog.

Yes. Yes I do.

Sure, I can understand giving up your lifelong dream of being an author, and instead writing blog posts about exploding tomatoes and video game mustaches and girly cartoons with ponies and rainbows. It’s not as though you could actually be writing thoughtful posts about meaningful things.

I do write about meaningful things… occasionally.

When you’re not busy being a frivolous idiot, that is.

I’m allowed to be frivolous! Heck, life would be awful if we had to be serious all the time. It’s the little things that make life livable, and the little blessings that help us appreciate the great ones.

Great blessings? Like grace? You write a lot about grace, expressing the same ideas again and again, like a lunatic muttering to himself. It’s almost as though you were trying to convince yourself of something you don’t really believe.

Belief is hard. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.”

And you quote somebody! It was only a matter of time. Do you have even one original idea rattling around in your head, or just a lot of quotes?

I have ideas, really. Quoting people helps me express them.

Your memory stinks. How do you keep track of so many quotes?

I have no idea.

I suppose I can’t blame you for having a bad memory. Fortunately, I can still blame you for lots of other things. Like working a menial job.

It may not pay well, but there are worse jobs than serving persons with disabilities.

And doing absolutely nothing with your college degree.

I plan to use my teaching degree sooner or later—I just renewed my educator’s license, after all!

And being antisocial.

Being introverted and being antisocial aren’t the same thing.

And being afraid of life.

Life is scary!

And making the same stupid mistakes again and again and again.

Well, I’m a human being. We all make mistakes.

Excuses, excuses. You sound awfully confident for someone who spends a lot of his time being depressed.

You’re not going to blame me for that, are you? Lots of great people have suffered from depression. Abraham Lincoln, for example, and also my dear old dad. And have you counted how many good people in the Bible showed symptoms of depression?

You’re glorifying your depression by comparing yourself to great people. That’s classy.

I’m not saying we’re alike because we’re great. I’m saying we’re alike because we’ve suffered from depression. Depression does not a great person make, but it certainly doesn’t make a person any less important or valuable.

I’ve had enough of your prattle for one day. Don’t forget what I’ve told you, Adam. I’ll be back.

Of course you will. Something tells me you’ll never be far away. It’s a good thing you’re not the only one. “The Lord is my shepherd,” and all that.

I’m leaving.

Good. On your way out, would you mind getting me a sandwich?

225. Monkeys Are Missing

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My typewriter monkeys, my reluctant assistants on this blog, have fled to parts unknown. This comes as no surprise. Their last escapade was months ago, and another one was due.

(The last time they disappeared, I found them trying to break capuchin monkeys out of the Fort Wayne Children’s Zoo. It was a mess.)

My monkeys’ departure to regions unknown is actually convenient for me. (If they’d known it would be, I guarantee they wouldn’t have gone.) It gives me an opportunity to work ahead on this blog, catch up with other commitments and play the latest Ace Attorney.

In the meantime, please keep an eye out for my monkeys.

“I don’t always write posts for other blogs, but when I do I write them for Typewriter Monkey Task Force.”

Have you seen this monkey?

This blog will return—I hope—on Wednesday, November 20. My monkeys should be back by then, and we’ll take it from there!