199. TMTF’s Top Ten TMTF Posts

Posted on July 5, 2013 by Adam Stück

We are now a few days away from whatever sinister surprise my typewriter monkeys have planned for this blog’s two hundredth post. They keep telling me I’m going to get “creamed.” I’m worried, guys.

I’ve written a lot of blog posts. I love making top ten lists. Need I say more?

Each of the following posts has been chosen for one of two reasons: it is either a significant contribution to this blog or a meaningful post to me personally.

With that, ladies and gentlemen, TMTF proudly and shamelessly presents…

The TMTF List of Top Ten TMTF Posts!

10. Gangster Pastors

This post about reformed criminals tells stories that seem almost too incredible to be true, but to the best of my knowledge—and I was very thorough in checking my facts—every incident, however strange, happened exactly as described.

I find some of these stories absolutely hilarious, and I consider the lives of these “gangster pastors” some of the most compelling evidence I’ve seen to support the existence of a loving God. These men have seen miracles. These men are miracles.

9. Of Coffee and Castaways: Five Poems

I’ve tried for years to write poetry. Most of my attempts were rubbish, but a few turned out not completely awful. (One is, of course, a poem about my lousy poetry.) While I appreciate poetry in the same abstract way I value things like economics and trigonometry, I don’t know much about it.

This make me all the more proud of the few poems I’ve written that succeed in being almost mediocre. I think these five were a refreshing change of pace from my blog’s usual ramblings.

8. Magical Rainbow Ponies?

About a year ago, I struggled through one of the most difficult transitions of my life. I had to switch countries, earn a driver’s license, get a credit card, find a job and publish a novel. I was finally becoming an adult, and I didn’t like it.

During those dark days, I decided on a whim to investigate an inexplicably popular pony cartoon sweeping across the Internet. My study of the pony phenomenon, chronicled on my blog, brought me many laughs at a time when I really needed them. For me, this post represents every time this blog has set aside serious reflections and rambled about something ridiculous.

7. A Conversation with Myself

When I construct stories, dialogue is absolutely my favorite thing to write. It was great fun to write a post consisting of nothing but dialogue. This post, the first of several “conversations,” was a fun change from my ordinary prose.

I tend to be an insecure person. As I wrote this post, I enjoyed poking fun at my insecurities about things like quoting people frequently, watching cartoons and using dated British idioms in everyday conversation.

6. When I Have No Words

When I was in high school, one of my teachers introduced me to the problem of religious persecution. I was skeptical at first. “Yeah, Christians were thrown to lions, like, eighteen centuries ago.” However, every week—every freaking week—he had a new stack of reports about religious persecution. I became more and more shocked. How was this stuff not noticed by mainstream media? Why did only a few people seem to care?

Religious persecution upsets me. A lot. It’s hard for me, as I live my cozy little American life, even to come close to caring as much as I should. But I do care. And that’s why this post matters.

5. A Portrait of the Artist as a Performing Monkey

This is perhaps the best short story I’ve written, and yet another change from my blog’s usual format. The story, whose title is a play on A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, depicts the struggles of a young author to overcome writer’s block and pen the opening chapter of a novel.

I put quite a lot of myself into the protagonist. Gabriel’s battle against writer’s block reflects my own. We both love coffee, detest vampire stories and dislike the baffling complexities of the publishing industry. I can’t pretend any of my stories are great, but I’m rather pleased with how this one turned out.

4. TMTF’s Top Ten Manly Men in Literature

To paraphrase Strong Bad, “My top ten lists are like my childrens. I love them all!” My favorite list is usually my most recent one.

I’ve chosen this list because it was the first time I took this blog’s visuals seriously. I formatted the pictures in this post for consistency, experimented with captions and tried other things I’d never tried before. My posts from this point onward looked nicer and neater. I also like this post because, you know, manly men are awesome.

3. Jerks, Trolls and Other Hazards of the Internet

I’m not sure where the idea for Be Nice to Someone on the Internet Day came from, but I think it’s a good one. The Internet can be a scary place; wise old Obi-Wan may have been thinking of the World Wide Web when he said, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Since so many insults and arguments are exchanged online, defying the trolls and setting aside a day to be nice to someone on the Internet seemed like the best kind of irony.

With the generous support of several fellow bloggers, to whom I remain very grateful, Be Nice to Someone on the Internet Day happened on March 4 this year. I hope it will happen again next year!

2. My Battle with Depression

I read several blogs by people who are incredibly honest and vulnerable about their struggles. Their openness amazes me. It is so dashed hard for me to write about my mistakes and faults. It’s embarrassing. I prefer to pontificate about storytelling, write about Doctor Who or try in some other way to give the impression of being a cheerful, bookish eccentric.

Depression is an awkward thing to write about. It’s an admission of helplessness, a confession that I don’t have it all together. That’s why posts like these are important: I don’t have it all together. Admitting it openly is a good thing.

1. God’s Fool

I generally reach my conclusions before writing about them. This all-important post was different. It shaped my beliefs by answering a question that had nagged at me for months: Why in blazes do I believe what I believe?

To be honest, I have great sympathy for atheists, agnostics and humanists. For all my studies and musings, I have absolutely no answer to many questions about faith and God. I believe because my evidence for God outweighs my evidence against him. There are things I don’t understand, things that trouble me greatly, but I believe anyway. If that makes me a fool, at least I’m God’s fool.

What are your all-time favorite blog posts? (They don’t have to be from this blog.) If you have a blog, what’s your favorite post you’ve written? Let us know in the comments!

The Art of the Video Game Top Ten List

Posted on June 19, 2013 by Adam Stück

I like making silly top ten lists. (You’ve probably noticed.) Video game top tens are particularly fun because of the endless variety in video games. Whether you happen to enjoy solving puzzles, raising livestock, fighting Nazis or launching turtle shells from moving vehicles, video games have got you covered.

The video above was made by a fellow who calls himself Peanut Butter Gamer. He knows a thing or two about top ten lists. (He also looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.) This man has mastered the art of the video game top ten: a deceptively challenging craft requiring experience, creativity, humor and quite a lot of silliness.

My early attempts at video game top ten lists were rather generic. PBG’s videos encouraged me to try making lists that were a bit less ordinary. My newer lists certainly aren’t unique, but I think they’re more engaging than the older ones. They invite the reader to consider things not always noticed or appreciated in video games.

I think goofy top ten lists are important, and for the same reason as childlike things like cartoons: they’re amusing and funny and cheerful. In this sad, serious world, we need all the laughs we can get.

Godspeed, PBG. Our world—this dismal, shadowed vale of tears—needs more lighthearted, frivolous top ten lists about video games.

191. TMTF’s Top Ten Weapons in Video Games

Posted on June 7, 2013 by Adam Stück

I love video games. I enjoy making top ten lists. Finally—despite my loathing for real-life violence—I like weapons.

This blog post was inevitable.

This top ten list, which includes weapons only from games I’ve played, defines a weapon as an object used to inflict damage on someone or something in a video game. Power-ups, vehicles and powered armor suits don’t count. (Sorry, Samus.) Weapons that originated in media apart from video games, such as lightsabers from Star Wars or the golden gun from James Bond films, will not be included.

Duck for cover, ladies and gentlemen, as TMTF presents…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Weapons in Video Games!

10. Barrel Cannon (Donkey Kong series)

What’s more devastating than heavy artillery? Why, heavy artillery that fires gorillas, of course! The barrel cannon can be used not only as a form of transportation for Donkey Kong, but also as a way to turn the ape into a high-speed projectile. If only it fired sharks…

9. Masamune (Chrono Trigger)

This legendary sword, the blade of a brave knight who, er, also happens to be a frog, is a powerful and storied weapon despite its plain appearance. It carries tremendous sentimental value for its amphibious owner. Finding and repairing the Masamune is a major feat, requiring the game’s heroes to travel through time from prehistory to the modern age. Later in the game, a sidequest unlocks the sword’s full potential and transforms it into an extremely powerful weapon.

8. Satellite Gun (Shadow the Hedgehog)

Shadow the Hedgehog is a terrible game. Apart from its bad level design, lousy writing and atrocious acting, the game is a poor attempt to make the bright, whimsical Sonic series seem dark and gritty. There is at least one good thing about this game, however: the Satellite Gun. This weapon, which looks a bit like a television remote, uses a targeting system to lock onto enemies and signals an orbiting satellite to annihilate them with a freaking laser beam from outer space. That’s cool.

7. Poltergust 3000 (Luigi’s Mansion)

This is a vacuum cleaner that sucks up ghosts, used by Luigi to rescue his brother Mario from a mansion teeming with spooks. (The image above is actually an advanced Poltergust from another game, but I’ve used it for this list because it’s much cooler than the original model.) Besides trapping phantoms, the Poltergust 3000 is capable of collecting cash from hard-to-reach nooks and blasting foes with fire, water or ice. All this begs the question: Who you gonna call?

6. Enchanted Arrows (Legend of Zelda series)

Bows and arrows are pretty neat, but the Legend of Zelda series offers several variations thereupon that are nothing short of awesome. Players can use the three standard varieties of magical projectiles—fire, ice and light arrows—not only to damage enemies, but also to solve puzzles and navigate environments. Fire arrows burn away obstacles. Ice arrows freeze water, creating solid platforms for a player to cross. Light arrows activate switches to flip one particular dungeon entirely upside down, turning ceilings into floors and sky into an endless abyss. Bomb arrows (which are, yes, arrows with bombs attached) are cool, but enchanted arrows are nothing short of amazing.

5. Portal Gun (Portal series)

The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, also called the portal gun, is capable of creating interdimensional portals on flat surfaces. Enter into one portal and you instantly exit the other. (Here’s a thirty-second video to demonstrate how it works.) Used correctly, the portal gun can harness physical laws like momentum and gravity to destroy enemy targets. Used incorrectly, the portal gun can use those physical laws to destroy the player. Look before you leap!

4. Keyblade (Kingdom Hearts series)

I’ve already shared my thoughts on this one, so I haven’t much to add. This creative, unorthodox weapon plays a huge role in the story of the Kingdom Hearts games. The Keyblade is transfigured into a new weapon by each token (keychain?) attached to its handle, and it can channel all kinds of magical abilities. Most importantly, the Keyblade is useful for smashing things.

3. Machine Gun (Cave Story)

Indie classic Cave Story transforms a generic firearm, one that is practically a video game cliché, into one of the most empowering weapons I’ve ever used in a game. The machine gun’s rapid rate of fire is handy for mowing down enemies, but the weapon’s greatest value lies in its navigational uses. Fully upgraded, the machine gun functions as a jet pack when fired toward the ground, giving the player the power of flight. Awesome.

2. Buster Sword (Final Fantasy VII)

Look at this sword. Look at it. Tetsuya Nomura, the artist who designed this weapon, referred to it as “the giant kitchen knife.” Its blade is freaking huge. The Buster Sword has no special attributes besides two circular slots for Materia (crystallized magic) that enable its wielder to cast spells. No, the weapon’s true worth is in its sentimental value. For Cloud Strife, to whom it belongs, it symbolizes the self-sacrifice of its former owner. For players everywhere, it represents a glorious, bygone era of role-playing games.

1. Master Sword (Legend of Zelda series)

This is it. The Master Sword. The Blade of Evil’s Bane. This is the iconic weapon that has become synonymous with the Legend of Zelda series, itself a legendary success of the video game industry. I can think of no other video game weapon with such a wealth of lore or backstory. Depending on which game you play, the Master Sword harbors a beneficent spirit, alters the flow of time or seals away the corrupting influence of evil. No matter which game you play, the Master Sword is one heck of a weapon.

O people of the Internet, what great video game weapons would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

187. TMTF’s Top Ten Adjectives in the English Language

Posted on May 24, 2013 by Adam Stück

I like words. (You may have noticed I tend to use quite a lot of them.) There are several kinds of words, and adjectives are one of my favorites. An adjective is a word that describes something. Hot and dark and caffeinated are adjectives.

Some adjectives are particularly evocative, fun or colorful. Today I’ve decided to share ten adjectives that are, for one reason or another, delightful.

TMTF is excited, proud, satisfied, exhilarated, happy and honored to present…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Adjectives in the English Language!

10. Soporific

Tending to induce sleep or sleepiness

Looking at this word makes me yawn.

9. Awesome

Evoking awe or amazement

Compared to the other words on this list, awesome seems rather bland. I include it because of its endless usefulness. In a literal sense, it denotes something that inspires awe, such as the starry heavens or the Tenth Doctor’s sideburns. In a figurative sense, awesome is an emphatic way to express extreme admiration for something. Incidentally, did you know awesome and awful once meant exactly the same thing?

8. Sepulchral

Suggestive of graves or tombs

I’m not sure why I find this word so evocative, but it makes me think of crows, gray skies and weathered mausoleums. It’s also a splendid word for describing certain professors, classrooms or schools in general. Writers, take note.

7. Abominable

Hateful, loathsome or extremely bad

Bad is a plain, common word. No one cares about bad. If something is abominable, however, take warning! Despite its invariable association with snowmen, abominable is a wonderful way to disparage something.

6. Ghastly

Shocking or horrifying

This adjective, suggestive of grim words like ghost, is a stronger way of describing something than unimpressive words like scary. This particular adjective is best when emphasized or spoken loudly. “That Twilight book was simply ghastly.”

5. Quixotic

Noble or romantic in an unrealistic, deluded manner

I like Don Quixote. More importantly, quixotic is fun to say: quik-SOT-ik. Ain’t it great?

4. Brobdingnagian

Big

The word big is actually quite small. The word Brobdingnagian is enormous. That is all.

3. Mephistophelean

Showing the cunning or wickedness of a devil

This word makes me think of pitchforks, pointed goatees and red tights. On a more sophisticated note, it’s a great word to throw around when discussing politics: “I think that politician has a streak of Mephistophelean hubris. What do you think?”

2. Lush

Vibrant, teeming with life

A word doesn’t have to be Brobdingnagian in size to be a good adjective. In a single syllable, lush evokes (at least in my imagination) vibrant scenes of green jungles or reefs swarming with colorful fish.

1. Pulchritudinous

Possessing great physical beauty

This one makes me smile because it’s so dashed ugly. I mean, look at it. Pulchritudinous. It’s ghastly. The adjective sounds like a description of some revolting, misshapen medical anomaly. “His untreated wounds, which had begun to ooze, were sickeningly pulchritudinous.” This is, without question, the most delightful adjective in the English language. Just… don’t ever use it to describe your spouse or romantic interest, all right?

O people of the Internet, what are your favorite adjectives? Let us know in the comments!

174. TMTF’s Top Ten Hats in Video Games

Posted on April 8, 2013 by Adam Stück

I recently learned of an indie game titled Fez. The game’s protagonist wears a fez, presumably because fezzes are cool. (We all know this.) This game reminded me that characters in video games have some pretty sweet hats.

As a gamer, blogger and proud owner of several hats, I believe it’s my solemn duty to decide which video game hats are the best.

The following rules apply: I’ll choose hats only from games I’ve played, and I’ll select no more than one hat from any game series. Only original video game hats are permitted: no hats from licensed characters like Indiana Jones or Donald Duck. Hoods, helmets, headbands, ribbons and all headgear except hats and caps are disqualified from this list.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, hats off as TMTF proudly presents…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Hats in Video Games!

10. Quote’s Baseball Cap (Cave Story)

Quote, the amnesiac hero of indie classic Cave Story, manages to look quite heroic in a simple baseball cap. The hat isn’t particularly fancy or elegant, but its bright white and red design helps Quote’s pixelated figure stand out against the muted blacks and browns of Cave Story‘s subterranean locales. On an entirely different note, do the buttons on Quote’s hat remind anyone else of Mickey Mouse’s shorts?

9. Cormano’s Sombrero (Sunset Riders)

This Mexican gunslinger, who has been described as “either groundbreakingly inclusive or an offensive stereotype, take your pick,” is a playable character from Sunset Riders for the SNES. The game consists mostly of shooting stuff. Cormano’s skill with a rifle is belied by his sombrero, which is colored bright magenta and shaped like a taco. Never has the Old West been so fabulous!

8. Shadi Smith’s Pork Pie Hat (Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney)

Not since Buster Keaton has anyone looked so good in a pork pie. Despite being a shifty character with questionable ethics, Shadi Smith is a really sharp dresser. There are many fantastic hats in the Ace Attorney series, from magician’s top hats to policewomen’s berets, but none seems more stylish or elegant than Shadi Smith’s classy pork pie hat.

7. Carmen Sandiego’s Fedora (Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?)

As a child, I played Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? on my family’s ancient black-and-white Apple Macintosh. (I’m pretty sure the above picture of Ms. Sandiego comes from another game in the series, but it’s the best I could find.) It was educational gaming at its finest: besides learning about geography and national flags, I got a taste of fashion from Carmen Sandiego’s criminally fabulous fedora.

6. Red’s Baseball Cap (Pokémon FireRed)

This one was a toss-up between the hats worn by Red from Pokémon and Ness from Earthbound. Red won because his baseball cap is quite a bit cooler. (Besides, Red’s cap in the original Pokémon Red was the inspiration for Ash Ketchum’s iconic hat in the Pokémon anime.) Like Quote, Red takes a common item of casual apparel and makes it seem dashing and even heroic.

5. Agent Chieftain’s Stetson (Elite Beat Agents)

Elite Beat Agents is a wonderful rhythm game for the Nintendo DS in which government secret agents assist people in desperate need by invoking the inspirational power of song and dance. (Yes, the game is every bit as weird—and awesome—as it sounds.) Agent Chieftain, a senior agent of the Elite Beat Agency, flaunts a flashy Stetson that adds a dash of cowboy flair to his plain suit and tie.

4. Red Mage’s Wizard Hat (Final Fantasy III)

Although the Black Mages from the Final Fantasy series have neat hats, the Red Mages earn this place on the list with their gorgeous crimson hats adorned with snowy feathers. Other Final Fantasy characters have clunky helmets, dull hats or plain hoods. Red Mages alone uphold the lofty standards of fashion while defending their worlds from demons, dragons and other monsters.

3. Mario’s Flat Cap (Super Mario 64)

How could I not include Mario’s cap? It’s indisputably the most famous video game hat in the world, and definitely one of the neatest. Mario’s cap from Super Mario 64 deserves special mention for giving Mario superpowers, including flight. Few things in video games have been more fun for me than soaring around the game’s locales with Mario’s winged cap. Like its owner, this hat is remarkable.

2. Professor Layton’s Top Hat (Professor Layton and the Curious Village)

I have absolutely nothing to add.

1. Link’s… Cap? (The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap)

Link’s cap is one of the most iconic elements of the Legend of Zelda series. It’s instantly recognizable—seriously, how many legendary heroes wear green pointed caps? Link achieves an incredible feat in every Zelda game by looking cool in a hat that wouldn’t seem out of place on one of Santa’s elves. As much as I like it, I wouldn’t give Link’s cap the number one spot on this list if it weren’t for one detail: it talks. In The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap, Link is joined on his quest by Ezlo, an enchanted hat who gives advice, grumbles, cracks jokes and turns out to be one of the most engaging characters in the entire Zelda series. For its iconic status, surprisingly cool appearance and amusing dialogue—I can’t believe I’m saying this about a hat—Link’s cap is TMTF’s pick for the best hat in a video game.

O people of the Internet, what great video game hats would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

159. TMTF’s Top Ten Reasons to Read The Trials of Lance Eliot

Posted on February 8, 2013 by Adam Stück

So… I wrote a novel.

The Trials of Lance Eliot is the story of a college student who is mistaken for Lancelot, the legendary knight of Camelot, and swept off by magic to another world.

As the author of The Trials of Lance Eliot, it’s my solemn duty to make people read it.

In seriousness, I believe it’s an exciting, funny, meaningful novel. Therefore, I am thrilled to present…

TMTF’s Top Ten Reasons to Read The Trials of Lance Eliot!

10. It has dragons.

Need I say more?

9. The characters are believable.

Upon arriving in an unfamiliar world, Lance Eliot experiences culture shock. His adventures take an emotional toll. Neither he nor his companions shrug off traumatic experiences or personal losses. No character is perfect. No character is invincible. In a story bursting with unbelievable events, characters act believably.

8. The book has literary chops.

The Trials of Lance Eliot is loosely based on Dante’s Inferno, from which it borrows structure and story elements. It also has parallels with Greek mythology and the Old Testament. Understanding these literary underpinnings isn’t necessary to enjoy the story, but some readers may appreciate them anyway.

7. The story takes place in a vast, unique world.

Lance Eliot’s adventures give glimpses of a kingdom with its own geography, history, folklore, culture and religion. They may not boast the exhaustive depth of, say, Tolkien’s Middle Earth, but Rovenia and the world beyond its borders are full of fascinating details.

Behold the kingdom of Rovenia in its monochromatic glory!

6. A humorous subplot runs throughout the adventure.

At first glance, Lance Eliot’s goal in his adventures seems to be saving the world. A closer look, however, reveals the true purpose of Lance’s quest: working up the courage to face a particularly grouchy professor. Lance is haunted throughout his adventures by fear of his professor, with whom a confrontation is inevitable.

5. Characters face inward conflicts, not just outward ones.

Lance Eliot confronts many dangers, but none are more difficult to overcome than his own faults. Other characters have burdens to carry and sins for which to atone. In the end, these victories are the ones that matter most. Any fool can stand up to an army or a dragon. Only a hero can stand up to himself.

4. The novel is framed by an intriguing story.

You’ve probably noticed, but my name isn’t really M.L. Brown. I chose to publish my novel under that name to lend verisimilitude—the characteristic of seeming real—to its frame story, which states the book is actually the first volume of Lance Eliot’s memoirs. These are published posthumously by his friend Mr. Brown, the book’s “editor,” who discovered an incredible connection between Lance’s stories and a manuscript penned by Lancelot. This frame story gives the novel an element of intrigue.

3. The narrator has a sense of humor.

When I decided to write The Trials of Lance Eliot from Lance’s perspective, I made a resolution: Lance’s voice would give the novel something an impersonal narrator could not. That something turned out to be a wry sense of humor. Lance doesn’t merely tell his story—he comments, jokes, digresses, reflects and reminisces. Lance’s humor is tempered with pathos, and his voice is probably my favorite thing about the novel.

2. The story has meaning.

The Trials of Lance Eliot began as a silly, shallow fantasy about swords and dragons and stuff. Over the years, however, it became something more significant. That’s all I’m going to say about this one—the rest is for the readers of the novel to figure out.

1. Readers like the book!

Responses to The Trials of Lance Eliot have been—to my great relief—overwhelmingly positive: full of phrases like beautiful imagery, sardonic wit, pensive storytelling and gripping narration. Readers of all kinds (high school students, college professors, published authors and more) have praised the novel.

Here’s what readers are saying about the book!

If you’re interested in reading the novel, you can buy it here and support an aspiring writer!

If you’d like to give the novel a boost, please consider sharing this blog post via Facebook or Twitter. Every bit of support helps!

126. TMTF’s Top Ten RPGs Everyone Should Play

Posted on October 15, 2012 by Adam Stück

What is an RPG, you ask?

Maybe you don’t ask, but I’ll tell you anyway.

An RPG, or Role-Playing Game, is a genre of video game in which the player controls a character or group of characters that becomes stronger by vanquishing enemies. Besides fighting, most RPGs feature great music, engaging stories and vast worlds to explore.

I love RPGs. They offer deep, challenging gameplay and some of the best storytelling I’ve seen in video games. Since TMTF features top ten lists occasionally, I decided to list the top ten RPGs every person on Earth—well, every gamer on Earth—should play.

A few discerning readers may note an egregious lack of The Elder Scrolls, Dragon Age and other Western RPG franchises.

Western RPGs tend to be non-linear, allowing the player to create the story with his or her actions. Japanese RPGs tend to be linear, giving the player fewer opportunities to shape the story. Both approaches are valid, but I prefer the powerful, carefully-scripted stories of Japanese RPGs to the malleable—but often weaker—stories of Western RPGs.

This top ten list demonstrates my preference for Japanese RPGs. My apologies in advance to all the gamers whose favorites didn’t make the cut.

Without further explanation, TMTF is proud to present…

The TMTF List of Top Ten RPGs Everyone Should Play!

10. Final Fantasy VII (PlayStation)

This game hasn’t aged as gracefully as the others on this list, but I had to include it anyway. Despite poor graphics, a slightly confusing story and horrendous localization, Final Fantasy VII is a classic, featuring a huge world to explore, memorable characters, impossibly large (and proportionately awesome) swords and several really touching moments.

9. Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story (Nintendo DS)

This is a good game with things like music and graphics and gameplay, but Fawful is the best thing. Fawful, a villain who is evil, stylishly mangles the language of English. His dialogue sparkles with the brilliance of shiny goldfish. Quirky, funny writing is the ham on the delicious sandwich of this game, and Fawful is the mustard on that ham—the mustard of awesome! Fawful guarantees that a winner is you if you play Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story.

8. EarthBound (Super Nintendo Entertainment System)

RPGs almost always feature either a medieval or steampunk setting, with a few futuristic sci-fi games rounding out the genre. EarthBound is different. Its world is very much like our own, and its hero is a boy named Ness who goes on a journey with his friends—children wielding baseball bats, frying pans, bottle rockets and psychic powers—to save the world from a malevolent entity known as Giygas. Bright visuals, quirky humor and some surprisingly dark turns make EarthBound one of the most memorable games I’ve ever played.

7. Radiant Historia (Nintendo DS)

With a creative take on time travel, Radiant Historia gives a secret agent named Stocke the ability to travel between two alternative timelines, exploring possible futures in his quest to find “true history” and prevent the world from turning to sand. The story begins slowly and characterization could be stronger, but Radiant Historia gives players clever battle mechanics and two intriguing plotlines. The game feels both new and familiar, blending tradition and innovation in one truly excellent adventure.

6. Final Fantasy Tactics Advance (Game Boy Advance)

In Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, a tactical RPG, a boy named Marche and several of his friends are transported by a magic book into an illusory world imagined into existence by—metafictional plot twist!—a gamer who loves Final Fantasy games. Marche resolves to dispel the illusion, confronting friends and enemies alike in his quest to restore the real world. A compelling story, endless side quests and remarkably deep gameplay make this game a masterpiece.

5. Final Fantasy XII (PlayStation 2)

A refreshing change from turn-based RPGs, Final Fantasy XII uses a simple game mechanic to let players “program” characters to fight automatically and allows players to jump in at any instant and take direct control. This approach has met with mixed reactions, but I think it works well: it cuts out tedious fighting without sacrificing the need for strategy. Besides efficient battle mechanics, this game boasts exotic areas to explore, dangerous monsters to hunt, well-developed characters, superb acting and the best writing I’ve ever seen in a video game.

4. Kingdom Hearts (PlayStation 2)

I won’t lie: Kingdom Hearts is weird. This action RPG throws Disney films and Final Fantasy characters together into a bizarre, strangely captivating story. Its sequels feature gameplay improvements, but I recommend Kingdom Hearts because it’s the first chapter of the series. (The story is complicated enough without the player jumping in partway through.) The game’s presentation is superb, with great acting and catchy music. The gameplay is deeply satisfying. Even the confusing story has a number of poignant moments—and putting Cloud Strife and Donald Duck in a game together is nothing short of brilliant!

3. Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door (Nintendo GameCube)

It must be very hard to dislike this game. Bright, paper-like visuals and hilarious writing bring to life a story that never takes itself too seriously yet manages to be compelling. The turn-based battles never become tedious; players are kept engaged by timed button presses and quick tilts of the control stick. Apart from solid gameplay and delightful dialogue, Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door stands out as the only game in the world to turn the gaming industry’s most recognizable character into a paper airplane.

2. Final Fantasy VI (Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Game Boy Advance)

It’s hard to know even where to begin. This game refines the traditional turn-based battles of the Final Fantasy series. The characters—ranging from a world-weary gambler to an inquisitive feral child—are characterized brilliantly and developed carefully throughout the game. The music, from “Terra’s Theme” to “Battle,” is incredible. The story is haunting: a tale of friends searching for hope and for each other in a world gone mad. Although it may be a bit old-fashioned for gamers raised on modern RPGs, I can hardly recommend Final Fantasy VI enough. (Play the Game Boy Advance version; the localization of the original SNES release is notoriously bad.)

1. Chrono Trigger (Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Nintendo DS)

I thought long and hard about Chrono Trigger, trying to find some fault to complain about. In the end, the best I could come up with is that the original localization was weak—a problem fixed in the Nintendo DS rerelease—and the bonus content in the rerelease fails to live up to the excellence of the original game. That’s it. Everything else is perfect: epic music, ingenious battle mechanics, beautiful graphics, an eclectic cast of well-developed characters and a unique time-traveling story. Dinosaurs? Check. Enchanted knights? Check. Derelict robot factories? Check. Ancient civilizations and islands floating in the sky? Check and check. This game has everything. Play it!

O people of the Internet, what RPGs would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

115. TMTF’s Top Ten Manly Men in Literature

Posted on August 27, 2012 by Adam Stück

We here at TMTF are experts on manliness. Some of us have the undeniable advantage of actually being men, giving us considerable insight into the manly virtues of loyalty, courage, honesty, bravery, integrity, humility and resourcefulness.

I personally possess a fascination for bladed weapons, an appreciation for beards and a liking for cartoons about magical rainbow ponies—all manly attributes.

Today’s top ten list features some of the manliest men in literature. A few rules apply to this list. Characters from books I’ve not read are not allowed on the list, and only one character is allowed per author. For the purposes of this list, manliness is defined as characterized by virtues generally associated with men.

By this definition, literary characters such as Odysseus and James Bond are not manly. They are intelligent, strong and brave, but their moral flaws (arrogance, dishonesty, lustfulness and disregard for the value of human life, to name but a few) disqualify them for this list.

Without further introduction, TMTF is excited to present…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Manly Men in Literature!

10. Sydney Carton (A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens)

Sydney Carton being wistful.

Sydney Carton is a hopeless mess of a man who wallows endlessly in self-pity. Although an interesting character, he wouldn’t even come close to making this list if it were not for his incredibly manly, stoic, selfless sacrifice in the final chapters of the novel. Heroism often seems pretentious, but true heroes quietly accept the burden of their fate. Sydney atones for a lifetime of unmanly weakness with one powerful act of heroism.

9. Domovoi Butler (Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer)

That’s a lot of neck.

The Artemis Fowl books are not sophisticated literature. In fact, they’re on roughly the same literary plane as the Twilight novels. I must confess to liking the Artemis Fowl books anyway. What they lack in substance and style, they provide in charm, whimsy and delightful absurdity. Domovoi Butler is the, er, butler of Artemis Fowl, an Irish criminal mastermind who also happens to be a twelve-year-old boy. Butler is not only a manservant, but also a bodyguard and a very dangerous man. Apart from his fierce and selfless loyalty to Artemis, he consistently manages to save the life of every person in the room every time there’s a crisis—which, in the Artemis Fowl books, is pretty much every chapter.

8. Remus Lupin (Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling)

That is one manly ‘stache.

In spite of his strength, girth and massive beard, I don’t consider Rebeus Hagrid the manliest man in the Harry Potter books. (He’s not even a man, technically speaking.) No, that honor goes to Remus Lupin. (He’s also not exactly a man, but I’ll bend the rule this time.) Lupin is an eccentric, disheveled professor who turns out to possess remarkable kindness, humility, courage and common sense. Lupin also possesses a dark secret, a tragic burden which never seems to prevent him from being friendly and cheerful.

7. Radcliffe Emerson (Amelia Peabody series by Elizabeth Peters)

I couldn’t find an image of Emerson, so have a picture of Sean Connery being a gaucho.

Known to Europeans as a noted Egyptologist and to Egyptians as “the Father of Curses,” Radcliffe Emerson is notorious for losing his temper, swearing constantly and making fantastic archeological discoveries. Emerson may be gruff, but he loves his family and treats Egyptians with deep respect—unlike most of his nineteenth-century European colleagues, whose prejudice toward “the locals” frustrates him deeply. Beyond Emerson’s ostentatious masculinity—he’s a handsome, muscular man who dislikes wearing more clothes than absolutely necessary—he demonstrates many virtues of true manliness.

6. Gabriel Syme (The Man Who Was Thursday by G.K. Chesterton)

That is a fabulous hat.

The Man Who Was Thursday begins with a poet stumbling upon a secret society of anarchists, and promptly convincing them to elect him into their council of supreme leaders. The poet, who also happens to be a police detective, embarks on a mad journey to protect innocent people from the nihilistic terrorist known only as Sunday. In the face of danger, despair and absurdity, Syme never loses his resolve to do the right thing. His calm bravery in the face of extreme danger is incredible, and his response to tragedy is to maintain his hope and sense of humor. As a bonus, Syme is delightfully witty.

5. Ned Land (20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne)

That seagull is toast.

As I’ve mentioned before, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea has basically four characters, three of whom are obsessed to various degrees with science. The fourth, Ned Land, is a refreshing exception. A sensible, short-tempered harpooner, Land keeps his companions grounded (forgive the pun) every time their resolve falters. Despite disliking his host, Captain Nemo, Land doesn’t hesitate to save his life. Add bravery and a fierce love of life, and Ned Land turns out to be quite a manly fellow.

4. Adam Bede (Adam Bede by George Eliot)

Adam Bede being even more wistful than Sydney Carton.

Stoicism is a manly virtue—not the absurd idea that men should go out of their way to suffer, nor the equally ridiculous notion that men must always hide their feelings, but the decision not to embitter the lives of others by complaining about troubles that can’t be avoided. Adam Bede has it rough. His life seems to be one tragedy after another. He perseveres, never complaining, always working, doing his best to provide for his loved ones and calmly accepting every blow dealt him.

3. Jean Valjean (Les Misérables by Victor Hugo)

Take notes, Batman.

Jean Valjean is more awesome than Batman, and they’re both awesome for exactly the same reasons: courage, stoicism, resourcefulness, compassion and an undying obsession with atoning for a mistake. What makes both characters so compelling is that they pay for their sins many times over and yet can’t overcome their guilt. They consider themselves monsters when they’ve become saints. Jean Valjean is humble to the point of self-effacement, unable to see what is plain to almost everyone else in the book: he is a great man, not to mention a manly one.

2. Aragorn (The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien)

Another manly man with fine facial hair.

Aragorn has a troubled past, but he’s too busy defending Middle Earth from the looming threat of Sauron to waste time brooding over it. (Pay attention, Cloud Strife.) Aragorn is almost messianic in his heroism: a brave warrior, gentle healer and strong leader. He does not succumb to the temptations of the Ring, a powerful but evil relic, but humbly does his best to ensure its destruction. Ironically, the greatest hero of The Lord of the Rings isn’t Aragorn. An ordinary little person named Frodo destroys the Ring. Aragorn is quick to praise Frodo’s heroism over his own, and that is part of what makes Aragorn one of the manliest men on this list.

1. Atticus Finch (To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee)

Ladies and gentlemen, men don’t come manlier than this.

I can think of no manlier man in all literature than Atticus Finch, the soft-spoken lawyer from To Kill a Mockingbird. Where do I even begin? Atticus can fire a gun with incredible accuracy, a skill of which his children are unaware because he dislikes violence and refrains from showing off. Atticus does his best to respect and understand every human being, and risks his safety to protect a prisoner from a mob. Most significantly, he willingly throws away his reputation as a lawyer to defend an innocent man. Blinded by racial prejudice, most white people assume the defendant, a black man, to be guilty. Knowing the trial will almost certainly end in a guilty verdict for the defendant, Atticus defends him anyway. Through all this, Atticus doesn’t complain once. He bears every burden patiently, doing the right thing and never losing hope—a true paragon of manliness.

O people of the Internet, what manly literary characters would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

97. TMTF’s Top Ten Video Game Heroes

Posted on June 17, 2012 by Adam Stück

Having previously posted a top ten list of video game villains, I felt obligated to put together a list for video game heroes, thus restoring equilibrium.

According to the standards of this list, a video game character must be playable in order to qualify as a hero.

Without further preamble, TMTF is excited to present…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Video Game Heroes!

10. Mario (Mario series)

The first thing to be said about Mario is that he has a fabulous ’stache. Equally impressive are his inexhaustible heroism and wide range of talents. When he’s not busy racing karts, competing in athletic events or curing viruses, Mario can usually be found trying to rescue his beloved Princess Peach, whose fate is to be kidnapped pretty much every time she steps outside. Apart from his mustache, chivalry and mad skills, Mario deserves a place on this list because…well…he’s Mario.

9. Samus Aran (Metroid series)

Unlike many women in video games, Samus Aran is no damsel in distress. Ms. Aran, a skilled bounty hunter, is quite comfortable fighting hostile extraterrestrials and exploring the uncharted depths of alien planets. Samus Aran’s high-tech armor is another good reason to give her a place on this list. Her suit is packed with all sorts of nifty weapons, tools and gadgets. It’s also modest and sensible—unlike many of the outfits women in video games are forced to wear.

8. Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)

Introduced as an aloof soldier, Cloud is revealed to be a man with a tragic past, struggling to forgive himself and atone for his mistakes. He’s also kind of a jerk, which is why I debated putting him on this list. Cloud won me over in the end: partly because he’s a compelling character, and mostly because he’s ridiculously cool. Although his redemption is a major theme of Final Fantasy VII, most players remember Cloud for his impossibly large sword.

7. Sora (Kingdom Hearts series)

The protagonists in many RPGs are bitter, taciturn outcasts. (Ahem, Cloud Strife.) Sora is a refreshing exception to the rule: cheerful, friendly, fiercely loyal to his friends and always ready to help. Chosen by destiny to wield a weapon called the Keyblade, Sora is thrown into a universe in which all worlds are under attack by dark, mysterious creatures known as the Heartless. Sora never loses hope, no matter how desperate the situation, and he’s a genuinely nice guy.

6. Marche Radiuju (Final Fantasy Tactics Advance)

Yes, Marche Radiuju is an obscure character. Yes, his outfit is absurd. No, I don’t know how to pronounce his last name. Setting aside these concerns, Marche is quite a hero. When he and his friends become trapped in a fantasy world, he takes it upon himself to open a way for them to go home. Marche grows from a timid boy into a fearless leader, exploring new places, conquering vicious foes and even confronting his friends in order to do what he believes is right. He might not be as famous as some of the other heroes on this list, but Marche Radiuju is no less heroic.

5. Balthier (Final Fantasy XII)

The self-proclaiming leading man of Final Fantasy XII, Balthier is a sky pirate with a fabulous fashion sense. He was a powerful politician years ago, but he’s cleaned up his act (as he would put it) and become an honest brigand. Balthier has a strong sense of justice and loyalty, which he’s careful to hide behind an indifferent manner, a sharp wit and a truly staggering ego. In a story full of bitterness and betrayal, Balthier shines like the star he claims to be.

4. Frog (Chrono Trigger)

Although he appears to be a monstrous amphibian, Frog was once a brave lad named Glenn. A sorcerer called Magus murdered Glenn’s mentor and cursed the unlucky lad with a frog’s shape, ruining his ambitions of becoming a knight. Glenn abandoned his name and took up the lonely life of a vigilante. As the kingdom comes under attack, he joins the battle to defend it from Magus and his minions. Frog’s bravery, chivalry, unique appearance, intriguing characterization and epic musical theme earn him a place on this list.

3. Aerith (Final Fantasy VII)

Aerith is a paradox. She’s angelic and ethereal, yet down-to-earth and friendly. In the slums of Midgar—a dark, dirty place full of trash, monsters and ruined buildings—Aerith keeps a garden and sells flowers to make a living. The heroes of Final Fantasy VII are mostly embittered, tough and cynical. Aerith is cheerful, hopeful and compassionate. She has a beautiful musical theme, too. Then, halfway through the game, Aerith dies. Even though her dying actions help save the world, her companions (not to mention gamers everywhere) are left with a profound sense of loss.

2. Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney series)

Objection! Lawyers are not nearly so interesting as warriors, knights and bounty hunters. A mere lawyer does not deserve so high a place on this list of video game heroes… or does he? In the case of this particular lawyer, I overrule all objections and present the court with the following statement: Phoenix Wright is awesome. A rookie defense attorney, Phoenix defends his clients with perseverance, sarcasm, luck, spiky hair and an unshakable belief that everyone deserves a fair trial.

1. Link (Legend of Zelda series)

Link lacks any intricate characterization or complicated backstory. He’s a silent protagonist, without so much as a word of dialogue. Why have I put him first on this list? Link isn’t merely a character—he’s an archetype. He is the Everyman, the unexpected hero who is snatched from a peaceful life, thrown into an adventure and pitted against a ruthless enemy. Link is a simple character, but his simplicity serves him well. Right from the beginning, the player gets it. No elaborate explanations are needed. Link is an ordinary guy who overcomes evil and becomes a hero. It’s an old story, and one that strikes a universal chord to this day.

O people of the Internet, what great video game heroes would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

85. TMTF’s Top Ten Video Game Villains

Posted on April 30, 2012 by Adam Stück

TMTF has already featured a top ten list, but the old impulse to categorize things has stirred again deep within my blogger’s heart. This time, the object of my top-ten-list-mania is video game characters.

We cheer for the heroes, naturally, but—let’s be honest—the villains are usually much more interesting. Thus TMTF is excited to present…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Video Game Villains!

10. Dahlia Hawthorne (Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations)

Ace Attorney villains aren’t typical video game baddies: they don’t breathe fire, wield chainsaws or threaten to inflict any other kind of bodily harm. No, their villainy is much more insidious. The player must corner them in court and prove their guilt with hard evidence. Of all these criminals, none is creepier than Dahlia Hawthorne, a dainty young lady with a parasol and a lacy dress. Behind that fair façade lurks a vindictive, selfish and manipulative murderer. Although she wears a sweet smile, Hawthorne betrays her true nature by glaring murderously at any attorney foolish enough to cross her.

9. Bowser (Mario series)

Bowser may not be the most threatening villain—or even the most competent—but his tenacity is remarkable. After twenty-five years of trying to defeat Mario, he’s still at it. Bowser is delightfully self-conceited. At one point, he announces his entrance by roaring, “Did somebody page the king of awesome?” In spite of his shortcomings, he can also be pretty scary. Giga Bowser, anyone?

8. Majora (Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask)

Before reading further, go back and spend fifteen seconds looking at Majora’s Mask. Go on. I’ll wait for you. I could write lots about Majora, but everything I have to say is expressed much more eloquently in the mad, nihilistic stare of those horrible yellow eyes. Majora is demented, with no apparent motivation other than bringing the world to ruin. Ambitious, power-hungry villains are scary, but at least we understand them. Truly terrifying are villains like Majora, who are driven by nothing more than a detached, inexplicable determination to see the world burn.

7. Sarah Kerrigan (StarCraft series)

Sarah Kerrigan isn’t a villain at first—in fact, she’s hardly a major character. Kerrigan is introduced as an insurgent fighting to topple an oppressive government, and she seems like a pretty decent person. Then she’s betrayed by her superior, left to die and assimilated into the hostile extraterrestrial species known as the Zerg. Now a superhuman creature, she begins a campaign to conquer the sector, betraying allies and showing no mercy. Kerrigan’s unexpected descent into evil earns her a place on this list, along with the cool, casual way she grinds her enemies into the dust.

6. Giygas (Earthbound)

Earthbound is not a typical RPG. Its heroes aren’t warriors with swords and lances, but kids with baseball bats and frying pans. The game is cheerful, full of bright visuals and quirky humor. All this stands in stark contrast to its villain, possibly the freakiest enemy to appear in any video game ever. Giygas is… an extraterrestrial entity driven insane by its own power, maybe? Whatever it is, it looks terrifying and can speak only in the fragmented phrases expected of a creature whose consciousness has been dissolved by evil. The fact that it’s impossible to defeat without using a strange trick makes it that much scarier.

5. Lavos (Chrono Trigger)

Chrono Trigger is another unusual RPG, not to mention a masterpiece. The hero travels through time from prehistory to the far future, and his companions—a medieval knight, a cave woman and a dilapidated robot, among others—span the whole of the world’s history. Their enemy? An extraterrestrial parasite called Lavos that burrows into the world’s crust, spends millennia draining the planet’s life and emerges to reduce it to ashes. Lavos isn’t so much a character as a deadly force, a cross between a plague and a thousand atomic weapons, destined to destroy the world—unless the player can stop it first, of course.

4. GLaDOS (Portal series)

GLaDOS, a computer developed by Aperture Science, is childish, sarcastic, spiteful and surprisingly likable. It puts the game’s protagonist through a series of tests, promising her a slice of cake if she succeeds in passing them all. Only partway through the game does it become clear that GLaDOS is trying to kill her. Even after its sinister nature is revealed, the computer remains an engaging character. For an amoral machine, GLaDOS earns quite a lot of respect—and perhaps even sympathy—from the player. Plus, GLaDOS sings “Still Alive.” Need I say more?

3. Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI)

Yes, he looks a bit like Joker from the Batman franchise, and yes, he shares the same twisted sense of glee, but Kefka is unforgettable. Before Kefka, most RPG villains were distant, predictable tyrants, who relied upon minions to eliminate the protagonists and sometimes made brief appearances to taunt the player. Then Kefka appears on the scene—as a lackey. A servant of the evil Emperor Gestahl, Kefka runs like a coward every time the player confronts him. Through betrayal and deception, however, Kefka attains an ancient power and devastates the earth. In the end, the protagonists don’t save the world—they save what’s left of it. Besides his memorable rise to power, Kefka is notable for his nihilistic views and fantastic musical theme, the four-part, twelve-to-seventeen-minute “Dancing Mad.”

2. Ganon (Legend of Zelda series)

Ganon, also called Ganondorf, is one stubborn guy. Generations of heroes rise to confront him, yet he manages to press on, century after century, relentlessly seeking the powerful relic known as the Triforce. Each game gives a slightly different spin on Ganon’s character. In Ocarina of Time, he’s a thief: arrogant, treacherous and cruel. Wind Waker introduces us to a sorrowful, bitter Ganon, and Twilight Princess gives us a Ganon pulling strings from the shadows. In every game, whether controlling fiends, transforming into monsters or facing the hero in single combat, Ganon is a force with which to be reckoned.

1. Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

Don’t be fooled by the long silver hair and stylish coat—Sephiroth is about as evil as a villain can get. Tragic backstory full of disastrous misunderstandings? Check. Delusions of godlike grandeur? Check. Utter disregard for morality, conscience or decency? Check. Tendency to massacre innocent, unsuspecting people? Check. Driven by a lust for power and revenge, Sephiroth manipulates one protagonist, brutally murders another and casually inflicts all kinds of havoc upon the world. Add his epic musical leitmotif, “One Winged Angel,” and you’ve got a villain to give the bravest hero second thoughts.

O people of the Internet, what great video game villains would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

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