200. TMTF RAP BATTLE!

My typewriter monkeys have finally revealed their sinister plans for this blog’s two hundredth post. They’ve hired some guy called Ice Kream to humiliate me in a rap battle. I’m not sure what a rap battle is, but I know one thing.

This is my blog, and I will defend it!

I should have seen this coming. Oh, well. Live and learn.

I want to thank Kevin McCreary from The Ceiling Fan Podcast. I sent him an email asking to use a rap beat he’d written for his show; he replied by offering to write a brand-new beat and record guest lyrics for this rap battle. His generosity is amazing, and it has been an honor to work with him.

To hear more excellent music from Kevin and the Ceiling Fan crew, check out M’Kalister Park, a silly and wonderful album available on Amazon.com. I highly recommend it, especially if you’ve ever listened to Adventures in Odyssey.

Next, a word to my typewriter monkeys: If you ever do this again, I will donate you to the zoo. That is all.

I would like to thank my father for supporting this blog since before it began. His fantastic artwork, lavish encouragement and gentle criticism have been extremely helpful. Thanks, old man. You’re a Stout Fella.

I’m truly grateful to everyone else who has supported TMTF by writing guest posts, sharing artwork, leaving comments, celebrating Be Nice to Someone on the Internet Day, following the blog, adding it to their blogrolls, linking to it via social media or simply reading it. I deeply appreciate every bit of support!

I guess I should give a shout out to my typewriter monkeys—Sophia, Socrates, Plato, Hera, Penelope, Aristotle, Apollo, Euripides, Icarus, Athena, Phoebe and Aquila—for occasionally helping out with this blog. Thanks, guys.

TMTF ain’t much, but soli Deo gloria all the same.

I’m not sure what lies ahead for this blog. Heck, I haven’t the slightest idea of what my own future holds.

As always, I’m comforted by these words from the old hymn: “Through many trials, toils and snares I have already come. ‘Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home.”

I believe it, and I hope TMTF will be there to chronicle every serious, strange and silly thing along the way.

TMTF shall return on August 9, 2013. In the meantime, please feel free to check out my novel, past posts in the Archive or the fantasy novella I published as a serial on this blog.

Thanks for reading! We’ll be back!

199. TMTF’s Top Ten TMTF Posts

We are now a few days away from whatever sinister surprise my typewriter monkeys have planned for this blog’s two hundredth post. They keep telling me I’m going to get “creamed.” I’m worried, guys.

I’ve written a lot of blog posts. I love making top ten lists. Need I say more?

Each of the following posts has been chosen for one of two reasons: it is either a significant contribution to this blog or a meaningful post to me personally.

With that, ladies and gentlemen, TMTF proudly and shamelessly presents…

The TMTF List of Top Ten TMTF Posts!

10. Gangster Pastors

This post about reformed criminals tells stories that seem almost too incredible to be true, but to the best of my knowledge—and I was very thorough in checking my facts—every incident, however strange, happened exactly as described.

I find some of these stories absolutely hilarious, and I consider the lives of these “gangster pastors” some of the most compelling evidence I’ve seen to support the existence of a loving God. These men have seen miracles. These men are miracles.

9. Of Coffee and Castaways: Five Poems

I’ve tried for years to write poetry. Most of my attempts were rubbish, but a few turned out not completely awful. (One is, of course, a poem about my lousy poetry.) While I appreciate poetry in the same abstract way I value things like economics and trigonometry, I don’t know much about it.

This make me all the more proud of the few poems I’ve written that succeed in being almost mediocre. I think these five were a refreshing change of pace from my blog’s usual ramblings.

8. Magical Rainbow Ponies?

About a year ago, I struggled through one of the most difficult transitions of my life. I had to switch countries, earn a driver’s license, get a credit card, find a job and publish a novel. I was finally becoming an adult, and I didn’t like it.

During those dark days, I decided on a whim to investigate an inexplicably popular pony cartoon sweeping across the Internet. My study of the pony phenomenon, chronicled on my blog, brought me many laughs at a time when I really needed them. For me, this post represents every time this blog has set aside serious reflections and rambled about something ridiculous.

7. A Conversation with Myself

When I construct stories, dialogue is absolutely my favorite thing to write. It was great fun to write a post consisting of nothing but dialogue. This post, the first of several “conversations,” was a fun change from my ordinary prose.

I tend to be an insecure person. As I wrote this post, I enjoyed poking fun at my insecurities about things like quoting people frequently, watching cartoons and using dated British idioms in everyday conversation.

6. When I Have No Words

When I was in high school, one of my teachers introduced me to the problem of religious persecution. I was skeptical at first. “Yeah, Christians were thrown to lions, like, eighteen centuries ago.” However, every week—every freaking week—he had a new stack of reports about religious persecution. I became more and more shocked. How was this stuff not noticed by mainstream media? Why did only a few people seem to care?

Religious persecution upsets me. A lot. It’s hard for me, as I live my cozy little American life, even to come close to caring as much as I should. But I do care. And that’s why this post matters.

5. A Portrait of the Artist as a Performing Monkey

This is perhaps the best short story I’ve written, and yet another change from my blog’s usual format. The story, whose title is a play on A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, depicts the struggles of a young author to overcome writer’s block and pen the opening chapter of a novel.

I put quite a lot of myself into the protagonist. Gabriel’s battle against writer’s block reflects my own. We both love coffee, detest vampire stories and dislike the baffling complexities of the publishing industry. I can’t pretend any of my stories are great, but I’m rather pleased with how this one turned out.

4. TMTF’s Top Ten Manly Men in Literature

To paraphrase Strong Bad, “My top ten lists are like my childrens. I love them all!” My favorite list is usually my most recent one.

I’ve chosen this list because it was the first time I took this blog’s visuals seriously. I formatted the pictures in this post for consistency, experimented with captions and tried other things I’d never tried before. My posts from this point onward looked nicer and neater. I also like this post because, you know, manly men are awesome.

3. Jerks, Trolls and Other Hazards of the Internet

I’m not sure where the idea for Be Nice to Someone on the Internet Day came from, but I think it’s a good one. The Internet can be a scary place; wise old Obi-Wan may have been thinking of the World Wide Web when he said, “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” Since so many insults and arguments are exchanged online, defying the trolls and setting aside a day to be nice to someone on the Internet seemed like the best kind of irony.

With the generous support of several fellow bloggers, to whom I remain very grateful, Be Nice to Someone on the Internet Day happened on March 4 this year. I hope it will happen again next year!

2. My Battle with Depression

I read several blogs by people who are incredibly honest and vulnerable about their struggles. Their openness amazes me. It is so dashed hard for me to write about my mistakes and faults. It’s embarrassing. I prefer to pontificate about storytelling, write about Doctor Who or try in some other way to give the impression of being a cheerful, bookish eccentric.

Depression is an awkward thing to write about. It’s an admission of helplessness, a confession that I don’t have it all together. That’s why posts like these are important: I don’t have it all together. Admitting it openly is a good thing.

1. God’s Fool

I generally reach my conclusions before writing about them. This all-important post was different. It shaped my beliefs by answering a question that had nagged at me for months: Why in blazes do I believe what I believe?

To be honest, I have great sympathy for atheists, agnostics and humanists. For all my studies and musings, I have absolutely no answer to many questions about faith and God. I believe because my evidence for God outweighs my evidence against him. There are things I don’t understand, things that trouble me greatly, but I believe anyway. If that makes me a fool, at least I’m God’s fool.

What are your all-time favorite blog posts? (They don’t have to be from this blog.) If you have a blog, what’s your favorite post you’ve written? Let us know in the comments!

J.R.R. Tolkien and the Baffling Plot Hole

Seriously, Tolkien?

Let me make something clear: I love the books of J.R.R. Tolkien. Besides The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, I’ve read The Silmarillion and many of Tolkien’s obscurer works, not to mention two or three biographies of the man and several books about his mythos. (I once went through a Tolkien/Lewis phase.) There are few people in all history who fascinate me more than the reclusive, disheveled Oxford professor who created a universe in his spare time.

As much as I love Tolkien’s works, I have to wonder how he could have overlooked the eagles as a way to carry the cursed Ring to Mount Doom. He had no qualms about using them as a deus ex machina to rescue Sam and Frodo from Mount Doom after they’d walked hundreds of miles through dangerous enemy territory to cast the Ring into the volcano’s molten depths. Why not just fly the Ring there in the first place? If the villain’s domain were completely eagle-proof, couldn’t the eagles have carried the heroes at least to its border? And if there were a good reason, why not mention it?

Tolkien was incredibly meticulous about his writing. As he drafted The Lord of the Rings, he kept track of things like the phases of the moon and how long it takes to travel distances on foot. I’m surprised he overlooked (or ignored) so great a plot hole as the eagles as an alternative to walking the whole freaking way.

Incidentally, How It Should Have Ended is a remarkably funny, clever YouTube series that’s worth checking out. Its writers have a gift for pointing out inconsistencies and plot holes in films, and the series is pretty darn funny.

198. The Art of TMTF

Today’s post highlights some of the great artwork this blog has been privileged to share. Prepare to be dazzled!

A Reasonably Accurate Depiction of the Typewriter Monkey Task Force

This is my blog’s header, the picture that started it all, generously provided by my old man at my request (read: nagging insistence). I recommend opening this image in a new tab or window in order to bask in its full majesty.

A Wes Molebash original!

Wes Molebash, web cartoonist extraordinaire, has generously allowed me to feature some of his comics and artwork (such as this impressive picture of Link) on my blog. Wes even wrote a guest post about creativity and Legend of Zelda games!

There ought to be a law against selling pyrotechnics to monkeys.

Monkeys and pyrotechnics are a bad combination.

Wait, which way to the future?

As I considered changes to my blog, my old man provided yet another lovely sketch.

Not many people know this, but I'm actually a pony.

This is a picture of me working on this blog, except that I’m a cartoon pony. I don’t really have anything else to say about this one.

Besides being brave and noble, Link has a great fashion sense.

Little known fact: My blog attracts cool pictures of Link from the Legend of Zelda games. This one’s from my younger bro, whose deviantART page is awesome.

“I don’t always write posts for other blogs, but when I do I write them for Typewriter Monkey Task Force.”

This image, a close-up from my blog’s header, might be my favorite picture from the entire blog.

197. A Brief History of TMTF

I had to delve into the shadowed depths of my email archives, but I managed to pinpoint the exact day in history when the concept for this blog came to be.

On September 10, 2010 I sent a Kicking Cricket—one of my personal newsletters—that contained the following paragraphs.

My first step to kicking a Cricket is to experience an amusing/interesting/uncomfortable event. I then assemble my elite team of typewriter monkeys and explain exactly what happened.

“All right,” I say, “I want you all to take notes. Socrates, put down your typewriter. Thank you. Now, I was at the Acorn this morning—Hermes, stop poking Odysseus. If you two can’t sit next to each other without fighting I’m going to separate you. As I was saying, I was at the Acorn when a fellow came in with a girl riding on his shoulders. I’d never seen anything like it. For the last time, Socrates, put down the typewriter! So a chap came in carrying his girlfriend and ordered a meal. I want you to—Heracles! If I see you pinch Helen one more time, I’m going to be very angry.”

And so forth, until my TMTF (Typewriter Monkey Task Force) types out a draft of something that is readable and doesn’t bend the facts too much. I revise the draft, type it into my computer and send it forth to be read by my beloved family.

I didn’t intend my Typewriter Monkey Task Force to be anything more than a silly joke, but before long my monkeys were creeping into nearly every one of my newsletters.

These emails, which were titled Kicking Crickets and later renamed Closet Vikings after my favorite fake names for rock bands, consisted largely of the kinds of ramblings I post on this blog. From book reviews to spiritual reflections, my Crickets and Vikings shared my thoughts on, well, faith, writing, video games, literature, life, the universe and everything.

My typewriter monkeys quickly became a running gag. Their second appearance introduced their habit of striking frequently, and later emails showed the TMTF breaking typewriters, misusing fireworks and conducting scientific research to prove that “resemblance to Winston Churchill is a trait manifested by most healthy babies of European descent.”

Around the time I started the typewriter monkey gag in my newsletters, I discovered a hilariously funny blog called Stuff Christians Like that poked fun at the quirkiness of Christian culture. I’m a curmudgeon when it comes to a lot of religious stuff, so I loved it.

Many months later, I stumbled upon a letter to Jon Acuff, the blogger behind Stuff Christians Like. The writer of the letter had been disillusioned by the empty, dreary religious clutter surrounding God. Stuff Christians Like restored her faith by showing her how Christianity could be funny, happy and hopeful. By presenting serious insights in a comical way, Jon Acuff’s blog changed her life.

I finished reading the letter and came to a decision. Somewhere out there, I mused, is a person whose life can be changed by stupid typewriter monkey gags.

I was joking… well, sort of.

I decided to start a blog.

Right from the beginning, I knew what its theme and title would be: Typewriter Monkey Task Force, a blog about… well… anything.

After obtaining a fantastic header illustration from my old man, I spent a panicked week figuring out the WordPress blogging system and setting up my blog. On August 27, 2011, TMTF blundered hopefully onto the Internet landscape.

There have been many changes since. The blog’s original three-post-a-week schedule was reduced to two posts, and later supplemented by weekly installments of a novella I wrote as a serial. Following the novella’s conclusion, the schedule reverted to two posts until the recent introduction of Geeky Wednesdays. I also posted some random creative writing and a series of posts covering the basics of Christian living.

Types of posts have come and gone. Old features like the Turnspike Emails were cut, replaced by new ones such as Why [Insert Author Name] Is Awesome. Several writers and bloggers have shared guest posts, and I’ve been privileged to work with some incredibly generous, talented people.

Did I mention that my readers are awesome? Because they are.

You are.

For almost two years, TMTF has been a blessing to me. Certain posts have forced me to reconsider some of my views and beliefs. A few posts have permitted me, a reserved, introverted person, to share my struggles and vent my feelings openly. Many posts have been therapeutic, encouraging or simply fun to write.

Sure, keeping this blog’s deadlines has been stressful. No, TMTF hasn’t had the same phenomenal impact as greater blogs. Yes, my typewriter monkeys are often a nuisance.

All the same, I remain thankful for Typewriter Monkey Task Force.

Will Someone Please Remix Some Hymns?

This. We need more like this.

I’m amused and amazed by remix culture: the broad concept of a society that encourages reinterpreting or reimagining existing works of art.

This includes sophisticated literature like John Gardner’s Grendel and Margaret Atwood’s The Penelopiad, which retell (and deconstruct) Beowulf and The Odyssey, respectively. Remix culture also applies to the endless slew of recent films and television programs that turn familiar stories into action flicks, comedies or romances: everything from action-packed retellings of The Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland to bizarre reinterpretations of fairy stories like “Hansel and Gretel” and “Red Riding Hood.”

By far my favorite aspect of remix culture is the music it produces. I’ve already extolled the creativity of the people who remix video game music, who can arrange a simple tune for everything from dance synths to Scottish bagpipes. People even remix music from cartoons like Gravity Falls and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

These remixes are not only creative and clever—they’re also legally available to download for free. The people who remix music often do so not for profit, but as a fun homage to the source material.

If melodies from cartoons and video games are getting rockin’ remixes, why aren’t hymns?

I love hymns. (Let’s not talk about contemporary worship music.) The old hymns are absolutely my favorite kind of music. Modern hymns like “In Christ Alone,” my all-time favorite song, are fantastic.

Why, why, why are these great hymns seldom reinterpreted with the same incredible creativity and brilliance as less important songs?

A few Christian artists do clever things with hymns, like Phil Keaggy in the video above. The band 2nd Chapter of Acts brought an eighties vibe to traditional worship music, and other artists occasionally record contemporary covers of old songs.

What I don’t see—and what I would love to see—is people getting creative with hymns, showing the same joyful abandon as the musicians remixing less important music. I want to hear smooth jazz arrangements of “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” and hard metal versions of “A Mighty Fortress is Our God.”

(Do not, for heaven’s sake, rewrite any lyrics. Got that?)

A wise man once asked, “Why should the Devil have all the best tunes?”

I must add: Why should cartoons and video games get all the best remixes?

196. TMTF Celebrates!

My typewriter monkeys and I have worked on this blog for nearly two years. Well, that’s not quite true. I’ve worked on this blog for nearly two years. My monkeys worked whenever they felt like it, which was approximately twice.

This blog’s two hundredth post is approaching, and TMTF shall celebrate!

Well, this brings back... memories.

Well, this brings back… memories.

The next three posts will highlight aspects of this blog’s storied career: A Brief History of TMTF, The Art of TMTF and—of course—TMTF’s Top Ten TMTF Posts.

As for the all-important two hundredth post… well… I have some news. It’s not bad news exactly, but it’s… um… it’s definitely news.

You see, I lost a bet with my typewriter monkeys. I told them that if they worked steadily on TMTF for an entire week, making no mistakes and setting nothing on fire, I’d allow them to put together this blog’s two hundredth post. They would have complete freedom to do anything they wanted.

I was sure they’d lose the bet.

They didn’t.

I don’t know what they have planned, but they’ve informed me it will be incredibly epic and will also have something to do with ice cream.

I’m scared, guys.

After the two hundredth post, I’ll be taking a break from this blog… assuming it survives. TMTF shall return on August 9, 2013. I plan to spend my month off working on future posts and writing fiction.

My typewriter monkeys will spend their month-long vacation in Tijuana. I don’t know why they want to go to Tijuana, and I think it’s best for me not to ask. Some things are best left a mystery.

Join us, dear reader, as we spend a couple of weeks celebrating Typewriter Monkey Task Force: this absurd, messy collection of caffeine-fueled ramblings about faith, writing, video games, literature, life, the universe and everything!

195. Faith, Hope and Tea

There was once an old sage named Iroh. His wisdom was tempered by many sorrows and crowned with a compassionate heart, an affable nature and a passionate love of tea.

Needless to say, Iroh is one of my heroes.

Iroh

Iroh may be merely a character in Avatar: The Last Airbender, a television show, but his wisdom has left a strong impression on me nonetheless. In previous posts, I’ve shared his views on the futility of regret, the importance of seeking insight from many sources and the value of accepting help from others.

“Life is like this dark tunnel,” Iroh once remarked as he and a companion walked along a gloomy underground passage. “You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place.”

Earlier this year, I found myself in a dark tunnel of my own. The posts on this blog took a dismal turn, covering subjects like depression. Then, far ahead, I thought I saw a glimmer of light. A long, dark winter surrendered to the beauty of spring. The trees outside my apartment exploded into sprays of pink blossoms. I renewed my hope that things would get better.

Thank God, things have definitely gotten better.

I won’t go into all the details, but I will share a few of the things that have made a positive difference in my life in past weeks.

I’m back on a consistent schedule

After months of bouncing between daytime and nighttime shifts at two different workplaces, I have returned to my ordinary schedule at my usual workplace. Not having to invert my sleep pattern every few weeks is a great relief!

Speaking of which…

I’m getting more sleep

In past years, I assumed I needed about eight hours of sleep every night, and averaged between seven and eight. However, the aforementioned changes to my work schedule (and my consequent sleep deprivation) forced me to reconsider how much sleep I need.

I concluded I require about nine hours of sleep every night, and I have since averaged between eight and nine. That extra hour of sleep has made a huge difference. I’ve had more energy, and my waking hours have been more productive. Bouts with depression have been milder and less frequent. Getting more sleep has been a tremendous blessing.

I’m being more consistent in fulfilling commitments and goals

Instead of using fatigue or depression as excuses to be undisciplined, I’ve been more consistent in getting stuff done. The more I practice self-discipline, the easier it becomes. It’s satisfying and empowering—and quite a relief—to fulfill commitments promptly.

I’m trying to be pragmatic

I tend to be neurotic. My anxieties have anxieties, as Charlie Brown would say. These are joined by all kinds of insecurities, doubts and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. I continue learning how not to get tangled up in all that wibbly-wobbly, feely-weely stuff, and how instead to live with the sort of simple, efficient pragmatism that comes from relying upon the grace of God: to win those battles with anxiety and insecurity by choosing not to fight them.

Which brings me to my final point.

I’m doing my best to live by grace

Yes, I write a lot about grace. I often struggle to understand that God not only forgives my sins, but bears with me patiently through my endless struggles with insecurity, depression and selfishness. No matter how dismal life seems, this promise remains: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Quoth Iroh, “You may not always see the light at the end of the tunnel, but if you keep moving, you will come to a better place.”

Step by step, I’m getting there.

The Art of the Video Game Top Ten List

I like making silly top ten lists. (You’ve probably noticed.) Video game top tens are particularly fun because of the endless variety in video games. Whether you happen to enjoy solving puzzles, raising livestock, fighting Nazis or launching turtle shells from moving vehicles, video games have got you covered.

The video above was made by a fellow who calls himself Peanut Butter Gamer. He knows a thing or two about top ten lists. (He also looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.) This man has mastered the art of the video game top ten: a deceptively challenging craft requiring experience, creativity, humor and quite a lot of silliness.

My early attempts at video game top ten lists were rather generic. PBG’s videos encouraged me to try making lists that were a bit less ordinary. My newer lists certainly aren’t unique, but I think they’re more engaging than the older ones. They invite the reader to consider things not always noticed or appreciated in video games.

I think goofy top ten lists are important, and for the same reason as childlike things like cartoons: they’re amusing and funny and cheerful. In this sad, serious world, we need all the laughs we can get.

Godspeed, PBG. Our world—this dismal, shadowed vale of tears—needs more lighthearted, frivolous top ten lists about video games.

194. The Trouble with Girls (in Video Games)

I am not a feminist. Heck, I couldn’t be a feminist even if I wanted to be. As I learned during my studies in college of literary criticism, the stricter philosophies of feminism disqualify men from being feminists. What a shame.

I may not be a feminist, but I do consider it my business to respect people. That said, I’m bothered by the way ladies are depicted in video games. Never mind touchy issues like gender empowerment—I’m talking about common courtesy.

Here are some of the problems with girls in video games.

Damsels in distress

I just covered this trope in my last post. Ladies in video games tend to be helpless victims who must be rescued by male heroes. Now, this isn’t such a bad thing. Heroes clearly respect these ladies enough to risk their own lives rescuing them. Damsels in distress are also a wonderfully simple plot device. Need a story for your game? The princess was kidnapped and the hero must save her! No further details are needed; we have all the story we need.

Comic adapted from Brawl in the Family.

Art adapted from Brawl in the Family.

While the damsel in distress trope isn’t atrociously disrespectful, it does suggest women are powerless: all they can do is sit around waiting for strong men to rescue them. This implication is unfair. Intelligence, courage and strength are not limited by sex or gender.

I think the video game industry is getting better about this one. The Mario and Zelda series still feature damsels in distress, but Princesses Peach and Zelda have become clever, resourceful characters—they don’t just sit around waiting to be rescued. Meanwhile, female protagonists like Samus Aran from the Metroid series and Chell from the Portal games prove ladies can take care of themselves, thank you very much.

Sexual objectification

I’m not sure how to put this tactfully: ladies in video games tend to be… curvy. They’re often impossibly slim and buxom, and not particularly shy about showing it. These ladies tend to flaunt their curves, say flirtatious things and generally do things most self-respecting women don’t do.

There is nothing wrong with having an attractive character in a video game. Beauty is a good thing. Sexual objectification—stripping away a lady’s dignity and treating her as an object—is not a good thing.

(For the record, I also object to the sexual objectification of men in video games: those absurdly muscular, super-macho dudes who have no personalities and refuse to wear shirts.)

Treating a person as less than a person, as merely an object to be ogled, is utterly disrespectful—even if the person happens to be a video game character.

Chain mail bikinis

I’ve mentioned this one before. When male characters are completely covered by heavy armor, female characters wear… swimsuits and lingerie. (I’d cite examples to prove my point, but none of those pictures would be appropriate for this blog.) There is no tactical advantage for ladies to expose legs, midriffs or bosoms in battle. None.

Where are the heroines?

Not many video games feature ladies as the lead characters. There are a few, sure, such as the aforementioned Metroid and Portal games. For the most part, however, video game protagonists are men.

Why?

Does the video game industry believe all gamers are prejudiced males who won’t buy games with female protagonists? Does the video game industry think women are not as capable as men? Seriously, what gives?

O people of the Internet, what bothers you about video games? Let us know in the comments!