The Art of the Video Game Top Ten List

Posted on June 19, 2013 by Adam Stück

I like making silly top ten lists. (You’ve probably noticed.) Video game top tens are particularly fun because of the endless variety in video games. Whether you happen to enjoy solving puzzles, raising livestock, fighting Nazis or launching turtle shells from moving vehicles, video games have got you covered.

The video above was made by a fellow who calls himself Peanut Butter Gamer. He knows a thing or two about top ten lists. (He also looks like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.) This man has mastered the art of the video game top ten: a deceptively challenging craft requiring experience, creativity, humor and quite a lot of silliness.

My early attempts at video game top ten lists were rather generic. PBG’s videos encouraged me to try making lists that were a bit less ordinary. My newer lists certainly aren’t unique, but I think they’re more engaging than the older ones. They invite the reader to consider things not always noticed or appreciated in video games.

I think goofy top ten lists are important, and for the same reason as childlike things like cartoons: they’re amusing and funny and cheerful. In this sad, serious world, we need all the laughs we can get.

Godspeed, PBG. Our world—this dismal, shadowed vale of tears—needs more lighthearted, frivolous top ten lists about video games.

194. The Trouble with Girls (in Video Games)

Posted on June 17, 2013 by Adam Stück

I am not a feminist. Heck, I couldn’t be a feminist even if I wanted to be. As I learned during my studies in college of literary criticism, the stricter philosophies of feminism disqualify men from being feminists. What a shame.

I may not be a feminist, but I do consider it my business to respect people. That said, I’m bothered by the way ladies are depicted in video games. Never mind touchy issues like gender empowerment—I’m talking about common courtesy.

Here are some of the problems with girls in video games.

Damsels in distress

I just covered this trope in my last post. Ladies in video games tend to be helpless victims who must be rescued by male heroes. Now, this isn’t such a bad thing. Heroes clearly respect these ladies enough to risk their own lives rescuing them. Damsels in distress are also a wonderfully simple plot device. Need a story for your game? The princess was kidnapped and the hero must save her! No further details are needed; we have all the story we need.

Art adapted from Brawl in the Family.

While the damsel in distress trope isn’t atrociously disrespectful, it does suggest women are powerless: all they can do is sit around waiting for strong men to rescue them. This implication is unfair. Intelligence, courage and strength are not limited by sex or gender.

I think the video game industry is getting better about this one. The Mario and Zelda series still feature damsels in distress, but Princesses Peach and Zelda have become clever, resourceful characters—they don’t just sit around waiting to be rescued. Meanwhile, female protagonists like Samus Aran from the Metroid series and Chell from the Portal games prove ladies can take care of themselves, thank you very much.

Sexual objectification

I’m not sure how to put this tactfully: ladies in video games tend to be… curvy. They’re often impossibly slim and buxom, and not particularly shy about showing it. These ladies tend to flaunt their curves, say flirtatious things and generally do things most self-respecting women don’t do.

There is nothing wrong with having an attractive character in a video game. Beauty is a good thing. Sexual objectification—stripping away a lady’s dignity and treating her as an object—is not a good thing.

(For the record, I also object to the sexual objectification of men in video games: those absurdly muscular, super-macho dudes who have no personalities and refuse to wear shirts.)

Treating a person as less than a person, as merely an object to be ogled, is utterly disrespectful—even if the person happens to be a video game character.

Chain mail bikinis

I’ve mentioned this one before. When male characters are completely covered by heavy armor, female characters wear… swimsuits and lingerie. (I’d cite examples to prove my point, but none of those pictures would be appropriate for this blog.) There is no tactical advantage for ladies to expose legs, midriffs or bosoms in battle. None.

Where are the heroines?

Not many video games feature ladies as the lead characters. There are a few, sure, such as the aforementioned Metroid and Portal games. For the most part, however, video game protagonists are men.

Why?

Does the video game industry believe all gamers are prejudiced males who won’t buy games with female protagonists? Does the video game industry think women are not as capable as men? Seriously, what gives?

O people of the Internet, what bothers you about video games? Let us know in the comments!

193. About Writing: Tropes

Posted on June 14, 2013 by Adam Stück

There is a website called TV Tropes, and it has gobbled up more of my time than I care to admit.

TV Tropes is a fascinating and highly informal collection of articles on tropes in storytelling. What are tropes, you ask? A trope is a recurring convention, element or device in a particular genre or type of fiction.

Take horror movies. I’ve never seen one all the way through, but even I know that when the power goes out in a horror film, bad things happen to the person who goes into the basement to check the circuit breakers. Cabins in the woods are dangerous places to be in horror movies, and clowns are evil. We all know these things. They are tropes of the horror genre.

Although tropes are not necessarily good or bad, they can easily degenerate into clichés—conventions that are overused and become trite.

Take the damsel in distress trope: the convention of a female character (often a princess) being rescued by a male character. This trope is everywhere. Consider the Star Wars films, or games in the Mario and Zelda series, or pretty much any animated film produced by Disney. Princesses Leia, Peach, Zelda, Jasmine and Rapunzel are all bona fide damsels in distress.

(I laughed when, in a recent Legend of Zelda game, Princess Zelda—a character descended from a long line of damsels in distress—told the hero, “I will wait for you here. That’s what princesses have always done. From what I understand, it’s kind of a family tradition.”)

While tropes can easily become clichés, they can also be subverted or inverted in clever ways. What happens when the damsel in distress escapes on her own? What if the damsel rescues the hero?

Defying tropes is a wonderful way to surprise readers. We all expect specific things from certain kinds of stories, and it’s a delightful shock to have our expectations shattered.

We’re all familiar with bad guys. Whatever else they may be, they are… well… bad. The trope is simple. Villains are evil. Bad guys are bad. It’s common sense.

Right?

Quite a number of recent films disagree. Despicable Me and Megamind turn villains into good guys. Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog goes a step farther, making a bad guy out of a “good” superhero. Disney’s Wreck-It Ralph stars a video game villain who decides he wants to be the good guy for a change.

These films toy with our preconceived ideas about heroes and villains, blurring the lines between our notions of “good” and “bad” characters. These films are also tons of fun to watch.

If you’re writing a story, ask yourself: “Has this been done before?”

Working tropes into your story isn’t a crime; some tropes are so general there’s practically no escaping them. In many cases, however, a story can be much improved by avoiding—or defying—the expectations set by all the stories that came before.

191. TMTF’s Top Ten Weapons in Video Games

Posted on June 7, 2013 by Adam Stück

I love video games. I enjoy making top ten lists. Finally—despite my loathing for real-life violence—I like weapons.

This blog post was inevitable.

This top ten list, which includes weapons only from games I’ve played, defines a weapon as an object used to inflict damage on someone or something in a video game. Power-ups, vehicles and powered armor suits don’t count. (Sorry, Samus.) Weapons that originated in media apart from video games, such as lightsabers from Star Wars or the golden gun from James Bond films, will not be included.

Duck for cover, ladies and gentlemen, as TMTF presents…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Weapons in Video Games!

10. Barrel Cannon (Donkey Kong series)

What’s more devastating than heavy artillery? Why, heavy artillery that fires gorillas, of course! The barrel cannon can be used not only as a form of transportation for Donkey Kong, but also as a way to turn the ape into a high-speed projectile. If only it fired sharks…

9. Masamune (Chrono Trigger)

This legendary sword, the blade of a brave knight who, er, also happens to be a frog, is a powerful and storied weapon despite its plain appearance. It carries tremendous sentimental value for its amphibious owner. Finding and repairing the Masamune is a major feat, requiring the game’s heroes to travel through time from prehistory to the modern age. Later in the game, a sidequest unlocks the sword’s full potential and transforms it into an extremely powerful weapon.

8. Satellite Gun (Shadow the Hedgehog)

Shadow the Hedgehog is a terrible game. Apart from its bad level design, lousy writing and atrocious acting, the game is a poor attempt to make the bright, whimsical Sonic series seem dark and gritty. There is at least one good thing about this game, however: the Satellite Gun. This weapon, which looks a bit like a television remote, uses a targeting system to lock onto enemies and signals an orbiting satellite to annihilate them with a freaking laser beam from outer space. That’s cool.

7. Poltergust 3000 (Luigi’s Mansion)

This is a vacuum cleaner that sucks up ghosts, used by Luigi to rescue his brother Mario from a mansion teeming with spooks. (The image above is actually an advanced Poltergust from another game, but I’ve used it for this list because it’s much cooler than the original model.) Besides trapping phantoms, the Poltergust 3000 is capable of collecting cash from hard-to-reach nooks and blasting foes with fire, water or ice. All this begs the question: Who you gonna call?

6. Enchanted Arrows (Legend of Zelda series)

Bows and arrows are pretty neat, but the Legend of Zelda series offers several variations thereupon that are nothing short of awesome. Players can use the three standard varieties of magical projectiles—fire, ice and light arrows—not only to damage enemies, but also to solve puzzles and navigate environments. Fire arrows burn away obstacles. Ice arrows freeze water, creating solid platforms for a player to cross. Light arrows activate switches to flip one particular dungeon entirely upside down, turning ceilings into floors and sky into an endless abyss. Bomb arrows (which are, yes, arrows with bombs attached) are cool, but enchanted arrows are nothing short of amazing.

5. Portal Gun (Portal series)

The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, also called the portal gun, is capable of creating interdimensional portals on flat surfaces. Enter into one portal and you instantly exit the other. (Here’s a thirty-second video to demonstrate how it works.) Used correctly, the portal gun can harness physical laws like momentum and gravity to destroy enemy targets. Used incorrectly, the portal gun can use those physical laws to destroy the player. Look before you leap!

4. Keyblade (Kingdom Hearts series)

I’ve already shared my thoughts on this one, so I haven’t much to add. This creative, unorthodox weapon plays a huge role in the story of the Kingdom Hearts games. The Keyblade is transfigured into a new weapon by each token (keychain?) attached to its handle, and it can channel all kinds of magical abilities. Most importantly, the Keyblade is useful for smashing things.

3. Machine Gun (Cave Story)

Indie classic Cave Story transforms a generic firearm, one that is practically a video game cliché, into one of the most empowering weapons I’ve ever used in a game. The machine gun’s rapid rate of fire is handy for mowing down enemies, but the weapon’s greatest value lies in its navigational uses. Fully upgraded, the machine gun functions as a jet pack when fired toward the ground, giving the player the power of flight. Awesome.

2. Buster Sword (Final Fantasy VII)

Look at this sword. Look at it. Tetsuya Nomura, the artist who designed this weapon, referred to it as “the giant kitchen knife.” Its blade is freaking huge. The Buster Sword has no special attributes besides two circular slots for Materia (crystallized magic) that enable its wielder to cast spells. No, the weapon’s true worth is in its sentimental value. For Cloud Strife, to whom it belongs, it symbolizes the self-sacrifice of its former owner. For players everywhere, it represents a glorious, bygone era of role-playing games.

1. Master Sword (Legend of Zelda series)

This is it. The Master Sword. The Blade of Evil’s Bane. This is the iconic weapon that has become synonymous with the Legend of Zelda series, itself a legendary success of the video game industry. I can think of no other video game weapon with such a wealth of lore or backstory. Depending on which game you play, the Master Sword harbors a beneficent spirit, alters the flow of time or seals away the corrupting influence of evil. No matter which game you play, the Master Sword is one heck of a weapon.

O people of the Internet, what great video game weapons would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

A Collection of Fabulous Video Game Mustaches

Posted on May 8, 2013 by Adam Stück

Clockwise, beginning at the top right: Yang (Final Fantasy), Mario (Super Mario Bros.), Dr. Eggman (Sonic the Hedgehog), Dr. Wily (Mega Man), Wario (Super Mario Bros.), Naked Snake (Metal Gear Solid), Don Paolo (Professor Layton) and Marvin Grossberg (Ace Attorney).

This is a collection of magnificent video game mustaches: a stache stash, if you will. Which is best? My money is on Mario’s mustache. It lacks the extravagant flair and staggering size of the competition, yet it boasts an understated charm.

174. TMTF’s Top Ten Hats in Video Games

Posted on April 8, 2013 by Adam Stück

I recently learned of an indie game titled Fez. The game’s protagonist wears a fez, presumably because fezzes are cool. (We all know this.) This game reminded me that characters in video games have some pretty sweet hats.

As a gamer, blogger and proud owner of several hats, I believe it’s my solemn duty to decide which video game hats are the best.

The following rules apply: I’ll choose hats only from games I’ve played, and I’ll select no more than one hat from any game series. Only original video game hats are permitted: no hats from licensed characters like Indiana Jones or Donald Duck. Hoods, helmets, headbands, ribbons and all headgear except hats and caps are disqualified from this list.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, hats off as TMTF proudly presents…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Hats in Video Games!

10. Quote’s Baseball Cap (Cave Story)

Quote, the amnesiac hero of indie classic Cave Story, manages to look quite heroic in a simple baseball cap. The hat isn’t particularly fancy or elegant, but its bright white and red design helps Quote’s pixelated figure stand out against the muted blacks and browns of Cave Story‘s subterranean locales. On an entirely different note, do the buttons on Quote’s hat remind anyone else of Mickey Mouse’s shorts?

9. Cormano’s Sombrero (Sunset Riders)

This Mexican gunslinger, who has been described as “either groundbreakingly inclusive or an offensive stereotype, take your pick,” is a playable character from Sunset Riders for the SNES. The game consists mostly of shooting stuff. Cormano’s skill with a rifle is belied by his sombrero, which is colored bright magenta and shaped like a taco. Never has the Old West been so fabulous!

8. Shadi Smith’s Pork Pie Hat (Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney)

Not since Buster Keaton has anyone looked so good in a pork pie. Despite being a shifty character with questionable ethics, Shadi Smith is a really sharp dresser. There are many fantastic hats in the Ace Attorney series, from magician’s top hats to policewomen’s berets, but none seems more stylish or elegant than Shadi Smith’s classy pork pie hat.

7. Carmen Sandiego’s Fedora (Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?)

As a child, I played Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego? on my family’s ancient black-and-white Apple Macintosh. (I’m pretty sure the above picture of Ms. Sandiego comes from another game in the series, but it’s the best I could find.) It was educational gaming at its finest: besides learning about geography and national flags, I got a taste of fashion from Carmen Sandiego’s criminally fabulous fedora.

6. Red’s Baseball Cap (Pokémon FireRed)

This one was a toss-up between the hats worn by Red from Pokémon and Ness from Earthbound. Red won because his baseball cap is quite a bit cooler. (Besides, Red’s cap in the original Pokémon Red was the inspiration for Ash Ketchum’s iconic hat in the Pokémon anime.) Like Quote, Red takes a common item of casual apparel and makes it seem dashing and even heroic.

5. Agent Chieftain’s Stetson (Elite Beat Agents)

Elite Beat Agents is a wonderful rhythm game for the Nintendo DS in which government secret agents assist people in desperate need by invoking the inspirational power of song and dance. (Yes, the game is every bit as weird—and awesome—as it sounds.) Agent Chieftain, a senior agent of the Elite Beat Agency, flaunts a flashy Stetson that adds a dash of cowboy flair to his plain suit and tie.

4. Red Mage’s Wizard Hat (Final Fantasy III)

Although the Black Mages from the Final Fantasy series have neat hats, the Red Mages earn this place on the list with their gorgeous crimson hats adorned with snowy feathers. Other Final Fantasy characters have clunky helmets, dull hats or plain hoods. Red Mages alone uphold the lofty standards of fashion while defending their worlds from demons, dragons and other monsters.

3. Mario’s Flat Cap (Super Mario 64)

How could I not include Mario’s cap? It’s indisputably the most famous video game hat in the world, and definitely one of the neatest. Mario’s cap from Super Mario 64 deserves special mention for giving Mario superpowers, including flight. Few things in video games have been more fun for me than soaring around the game’s locales with Mario’s winged cap. Like its owner, this hat is remarkable.

2. Professor Layton’s Top Hat (Professor Layton and the Curious Village)

I have absolutely nothing to add.

1. Link’s… Cap? (The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap)

Link’s cap is one of the most iconic elements of the Legend of Zelda series. It’s instantly recognizable—seriously, how many legendary heroes wear green pointed caps? Link achieves an incredible feat in every Zelda game by looking cool in a hat that wouldn’t seem out of place on one of Santa’s elves. As much as I like it, I wouldn’t give Link’s cap the number one spot on this list if it weren’t for one detail: it talks. In The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap, Link is joined on his quest by Ezlo, an enchanted hat who gives advice, grumbles, cracks jokes and turns out to be one of the most engaging characters in the entire Zelda series. For its iconic status, surprisingly cool appearance and amusing dialogue—I can’t believe I’m saying this about a hat—Link’s cap is TMTF’s pick for the best hat in a video game.

O people of the Internet, what great video game hats would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

126. TMTF’s Top Ten RPGs Everyone Should Play

Posted on October 15, 2012 by Adam Stück

What is an RPG, you ask?

Maybe you don’t ask, but I’ll tell you anyway.

An RPG, or Role-Playing Game, is a genre of video game in which the player controls a character or group of characters that becomes stronger by vanquishing enemies. Besides fighting, most RPGs feature great music, engaging stories and vast worlds to explore.

I love RPGs. They offer deep, challenging gameplay and some of the best storytelling I’ve seen in video games. Since TMTF features top ten lists occasionally, I decided to list the top ten RPGs every person on Earth—well, every gamer on Earth—should play.

A few discerning readers may note an egregious lack of The Elder Scrolls, Dragon Age and other Western RPG franchises.

Western RPGs tend to be non-linear, allowing the player to create the story with his or her actions. Japanese RPGs tend to be linear, giving the player fewer opportunities to shape the story. Both approaches are valid, but I prefer the powerful, carefully-scripted stories of Japanese RPGs to the malleable—but often weaker—stories of Western RPGs.

This top ten list demonstrates my preference for Japanese RPGs. My apologies in advance to all the gamers whose favorites didn’t make the cut.

Without further explanation, TMTF is proud to present…

The TMTF List of Top Ten RPGs Everyone Should Play!

10. Final Fantasy VII (PlayStation)

This game hasn’t aged as gracefully as the others on this list, but I had to include it anyway. Despite poor graphics, a slightly confusing story and horrendous localization, Final Fantasy VII is a classic, featuring a huge world to explore, memorable characters, impossibly large (and proportionately awesome) swords and several really touching moments.

9. Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story (Nintendo DS)

This is a good game with things like music and graphics and gameplay, but Fawful is the best thing. Fawful, a villain who is evil, stylishly mangles the language of English. His dialogue sparkles with the brilliance of shiny goldfish. Quirky, funny writing is the ham on the delicious sandwich of this game, and Fawful is the mustard on that ham—the mustard of awesome! Fawful guarantees that a winner is you if you play Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story.

8. EarthBound (Super Nintendo Entertainment System)

RPGs almost always feature either a medieval or steampunk setting, with a few futuristic sci-fi games rounding out the genre. EarthBound is different. Its world is very much like our own, and its hero is a boy named Ness who goes on a journey with his friends—children wielding baseball bats, frying pans, bottle rockets and psychic powers—to save the world from a malevolent entity known as Giygas. Bright visuals, quirky humor and some surprisingly dark turns make EarthBound one of the most memorable games I’ve ever played.

7. Radiant Historia (Nintendo DS)

With a creative take on time travel, Radiant Historia gives a secret agent named Stocke the ability to travel between two alternative timelines, exploring possible futures in his quest to find “true history” and prevent the world from turning to sand. The story begins slowly and characterization could be stronger, but Radiant Historia gives players clever battle mechanics and two intriguing plotlines. The game feels both new and familiar, blending tradition and innovation in one truly excellent adventure.

6. Final Fantasy Tactics Advance (Game Boy Advance)

In Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, a tactical RPG, a boy named Marche and several of his friends are transported by a magic book into an illusory world imagined into existence by—metafictional plot twist!—a gamer who loves Final Fantasy games. Marche resolves to dispel the illusion, confronting friends and enemies alike in his quest to restore the real world. A compelling story, endless side quests and remarkably deep gameplay make this game a masterpiece.

5. Final Fantasy XII (PlayStation 2)

A refreshing change from turn-based RPGs, Final Fantasy XII uses a simple game mechanic to let players “program” characters to fight automatically and allows players to jump in at any instant and take direct control. This approach has met with mixed reactions, but I think it works well: it cuts out tedious fighting without sacrificing the need for strategy. Besides efficient battle mechanics, this game boasts exotic areas to explore, dangerous monsters to hunt, well-developed characters, superb acting and the best writing I’ve ever seen in a video game.

4. Kingdom Hearts (PlayStation 2)

I won’t lie: Kingdom Hearts is weird. This action RPG throws Disney films and Final Fantasy characters together into a bizarre, strangely captivating story. Its sequels feature gameplay improvements, but I recommend Kingdom Hearts because it’s the first chapter of the series. (The story is complicated enough without the player jumping in partway through.) The game’s presentation is superb, with great acting and catchy music. The gameplay is deeply satisfying. Even the confusing story has a number of poignant moments—and putting Cloud Strife and Donald Duck in a game together is nothing short of brilliant!

3. Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door (Nintendo GameCube)

It must be very hard to dislike this game. Bright, paper-like visuals and hilarious writing bring to life a story that never takes itself too seriously yet manages to be compelling. The turn-based battles never become tedious; players are kept engaged by timed button presses and quick tilts of the control stick. Apart from solid gameplay and delightful dialogue, Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door stands out as the only game in the world to turn the gaming industry’s most recognizable character into a paper airplane.

2. Final Fantasy VI (Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Game Boy Advance)

It’s hard to know even where to begin. This game refines the traditional turn-based battles of the Final Fantasy series. The characters—ranging from a world-weary gambler to an inquisitive feral child—are characterized brilliantly and developed carefully throughout the game. The music, from “Terra’s Theme” to “Battle,” is incredible. The story is haunting: a tale of friends searching for hope and for each other in a world gone mad. Although it may be a bit old-fashioned for gamers raised on modern RPGs, I can hardly recommend Final Fantasy VI enough. (Play the Game Boy Advance version; the localization of the original SNES release is notoriously bad.)

1. Chrono Trigger (Super Nintendo Entertainment System, Nintendo DS)

I thought long and hard about Chrono Trigger, trying to find some fault to complain about. In the end, the best I could come up with is that the original localization was weak—a problem fixed in the Nintendo DS rerelease—and the bonus content in the rerelease fails to live up to the excellence of the original game. That’s it. Everything else is perfect: epic music, ingenious battle mechanics, beautiful graphics, an eclectic cast of well-developed characters and a unique time-traveling story. Dinosaurs? Check. Enchanted knights? Check. Derelict robot factories? Check. Ancient civilizations and islands floating in the sky? Check and check. This game has everything. Play it!

O people of the Internet, what RPGs would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

118. Video Game Clichés

Posted on September 17, 2012 by Adam Stück

Video games operate by their own quirky rules, most of which differ wildly from real life. Consider how Mario, a portly plumber with short legs, can jump roughly ten feet into the air without a running start. In real life, Mario might manage ten inches, but not much more.

Many of these strange video game rules have become patterns repeated over the years, and some of these patterns have been worn to clichés. Here are just a few.

Spikes

In video games, deadly spikes are everywhere. A villain’s lair? Spikes. An ancient castle? Spikes. An ordinary meadow? Spikes. Along with bottomless pits, spikes are the standard obstacle in video games.

It would be nice to see some alternatives to spikes. Electric fences, perhaps? Buried explosives? Buckets of piranhas?

On a logistical note, I wonder who installs spikey obstacles in video games. Maybe villains outsource to construction companies for spike installations.

Big swords

I’ve already written about this one, and I don’t really have anything to add except for one brief observation: they may be clichéd, but huge swords are awesome.

Revealing outfits

Ladies in video games often wear tight, revealing outfits. Even when male warriors are clad from head to foot in heavy armor, females charge into battle with bosoms, legs or midriffs exposed. There may be some significant tactical advantage to fighting in a swimsuit, but I can’t imagine what it might be.

Death as a temporary condition

Unlike real life, in which death is permanent, many video games present death as a temporary affliction—much like the common cold. Administer a one-up mushroom, some phoenix down or a fairy in a bottle, and death is cured.

Variations include reviving characters through magic, time travel, advanced science or some other implausible means. Another version of this cliché is to fake the death of important characters.

Not to be cruel, but it’s always a bit of a relief when characters actually die. You know, permanently.

Puppet villains

Too many video game bad guys are revealed to be pawns controlled by greater villains. It’s almost more surprising to me when there’s no unexpected plot twist and the obvious villain turns out to be the bad guy after all!

Ice levels

There’s even a song about this one.

Cheerful, perky sidekicks

From a storytelling perspective, giving the hero a happy, optimistic companion makes sense. Such sidekicks can provide comic relief, act as a foil to more serious characters or brighten the mood of scenes that might otherwise be too bleak.

Even so, I’m tired of cheerful companions. I want a cynical sidekick: one who is pessimistic, sarcastic, gloomy, unsentimental and dryly humorous.

Breaking and entering

People in video games don’t seem to mind you entering their houses and stealing their stuff. As the hero of the game, you’re permitted trespass on private property and take whatever items are left conveniently lying around.

Link, the hero from the Legend of Zelda games, is notorious for smashing pots belonging to other people in his relentless search for cash. Almost every RPG I’ve ever played allows the player to loot the homes of innocent civilians.

What video game clichés have we missed? Let us know in the comments!

97. TMTF’s Top Ten Video Game Heroes

Posted on June 17, 2012 by Adam Stück

Having previously posted a top ten list of video game villains, I felt obligated to put together a list for video game heroes, thus restoring equilibrium.

According to the standards of this list, a video game character must be playable in order to qualify as a hero.

Without further preamble, TMTF is excited to present…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Video Game Heroes!

10. Mario (Mario series)

The first thing to be said about Mario is that he has a fabulous ’stache. Equally impressive are his inexhaustible heroism and wide range of talents. When he’s not busy racing karts, competing in athletic events or curing viruses, Mario can usually be found trying to rescue his beloved Princess Peach, whose fate is to be kidnapped pretty much every time she steps outside. Apart from his mustache, chivalry and mad skills, Mario deserves a place on this list because…well…he’s Mario.

9. Samus Aran (Metroid series)

Unlike many women in video games, Samus Aran is no damsel in distress. Ms. Aran, a skilled bounty hunter, is quite comfortable fighting hostile extraterrestrials and exploring the uncharted depths of alien planets. Samus Aran’s high-tech armor is another good reason to give her a place on this list. Her suit is packed with all sorts of nifty weapons, tools and gadgets. It’s also modest and sensible—unlike many of the outfits women in video games are forced to wear.

8. Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII)

Introduced as an aloof soldier, Cloud is revealed to be a man with a tragic past, struggling to forgive himself and atone for his mistakes. He’s also kind of a jerk, which is why I debated putting him on this list. Cloud won me over in the end: partly because he’s a compelling character, and mostly because he’s ridiculously cool. Although his redemption is a major theme of Final Fantasy VII, most players remember Cloud for his impossibly large sword.

7. Sora (Kingdom Hearts series)

The protagonists in many RPGs are bitter, taciturn outcasts. (Ahem, Cloud Strife.) Sora is a refreshing exception to the rule: cheerful, friendly, fiercely loyal to his friends and always ready to help. Chosen by destiny to wield a weapon called the Keyblade, Sora is thrown into a universe in which all worlds are under attack by dark, mysterious creatures known as the Heartless. Sora never loses hope, no matter how desperate the situation, and he’s a genuinely nice guy.

6. Marche Radiuju (Final Fantasy Tactics Advance)

Yes, Marche Radiuju is an obscure character. Yes, his outfit is absurd. No, I don’t know how to pronounce his last name. Setting aside these concerns, Marche is quite a hero. When he and his friends become trapped in a fantasy world, he takes it upon himself to open a way for them to go home. Marche grows from a timid boy into a fearless leader, exploring new places, conquering vicious foes and even confronting his friends in order to do what he believes is right. He might not be as famous as some of the other heroes on this list, but Marche Radiuju is no less heroic.

5. Balthier (Final Fantasy XII)

The self-proclaiming leading man of Final Fantasy XII, Balthier is a sky pirate with a fabulous fashion sense. He was a powerful politician years ago, but he’s cleaned up his act (as he would put it) and become an honest brigand. Balthier has a strong sense of justice and loyalty, which he’s careful to hide behind an indifferent manner, a sharp wit and a truly staggering ego. In a story full of bitterness and betrayal, Balthier shines like the star he claims to be.

4. Frog (Chrono Trigger)

Although he appears to be a monstrous amphibian, Frog was once a brave lad named Glenn. A sorcerer called Magus murdered Glenn’s mentor and cursed the unlucky lad with a frog’s shape, ruining his ambitions of becoming a knight. Glenn abandoned his name and took up the lonely life of a vigilante. As the kingdom comes under attack, he joins the battle to defend it from Magus and his minions. Frog’s bravery, chivalry, unique appearance, intriguing characterization and epic musical theme earn him a place on this list.

3. Aerith (Final Fantasy VII)

Aerith is a paradox. She’s angelic and ethereal, yet down-to-earth and friendly. In the slums of Midgar—a dark, dirty place full of trash, monsters and ruined buildings—Aerith keeps a garden and sells flowers to make a living. The heroes of Final Fantasy VII are mostly embittered, tough and cynical. Aerith is cheerful, hopeful and compassionate. She has a beautiful musical theme, too. Then, halfway through the game, Aerith dies. Even though her dying actions help save the world, her companions (not to mention gamers everywhere) are left with a profound sense of loss.

2. Phoenix Wright (Ace Attorney series)

Objection! Lawyers are not nearly so interesting as warriors, knights and bounty hunters. A mere lawyer does not deserve so high a place on this list of video game heroes… or does he? In the case of this particular lawyer, I overrule all objections and present the court with the following statement: Phoenix Wright is awesome. A rookie defense attorney, Phoenix defends his clients with perseverance, sarcasm, luck, spiky hair and an unshakable belief that everyone deserves a fair trial.

1. Link (Legend of Zelda series)

Link lacks any intricate characterization or complicated backstory. He’s a silent protagonist, without so much as a word of dialogue. Why have I put him first on this list? Link isn’t merely a character—he’s an archetype. He is the Everyman, the unexpected hero who is snatched from a peaceful life, thrown into an adventure and pitted against a ruthless enemy. Link is a simple character, but his simplicity serves him well. Right from the beginning, the player gets it. No elaborate explanations are needed. Link is an ordinary guy who overcomes evil and becomes a hero. It’s an old story, and one that strikes a universal chord to this day.

O people of the Internet, what great video game heroes would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

85. TMTF’s Top Ten Video Game Villains

Posted on April 30, 2012 by Adam Stück

TMTF has already featured a top ten list, but the old impulse to categorize things has stirred again deep within my blogger’s heart. This time, the object of my top-ten-list-mania is video game characters.

We cheer for the heroes, naturally, but—let’s be honest—the villains are usually much more interesting. Thus TMTF is excited to present…

The TMTF List of Top Ten Video Game Villains!

10. Dahlia Hawthorne (Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations)

Ace Attorney villains aren’t typical video game baddies: they don’t breathe fire, wield chainsaws or threaten to inflict any other kind of bodily harm. No, their villainy is much more insidious. The player must corner them in court and prove their guilt with hard evidence. Of all these criminals, none is creepier than Dahlia Hawthorne, a dainty young lady with a parasol and a lacy dress. Behind that fair façade lurks a vindictive, selfish and manipulative murderer. Although she wears a sweet smile, Hawthorne betrays her true nature by glaring murderously at any attorney foolish enough to cross her.

9. Bowser (Mario series)

Bowser may not be the most threatening villain—or even the most competent—but his tenacity is remarkable. After twenty-five years of trying to defeat Mario, he’s still at it. Bowser is delightfully self-conceited. At one point, he announces his entrance by roaring, “Did somebody page the king of awesome?” In spite of his shortcomings, he can also be pretty scary. Giga Bowser, anyone?

8. Majora (Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask)

Before reading further, go back and spend fifteen seconds looking at Majora’s Mask. Go on. I’ll wait for you. I could write lots about Majora, but everything I have to say is expressed much more eloquently in the mad, nihilistic stare of those horrible yellow eyes. Majora is demented, with no apparent motivation other than bringing the world to ruin. Ambitious, power-hungry villains are scary, but at least we understand them. Truly terrifying are villains like Majora, who are driven by nothing more than a detached, inexplicable determination to see the world burn.

7. Sarah Kerrigan (StarCraft series)

Sarah Kerrigan isn’t a villain at first—in fact, she’s hardly a major character. Kerrigan is introduced as an insurgent fighting to topple an oppressive government, and she seems like a pretty decent person. Then she’s betrayed by her superior, left to die and assimilated into the hostile extraterrestrial species known as the Zerg. Now a superhuman creature, she begins a campaign to conquer the sector, betraying allies and showing no mercy. Kerrigan’s unexpected descent into evil earns her a place on this list, along with the cool, casual way she grinds her enemies into the dust.

6. Giygas (Earthbound)

Earthbound is not a typical RPG. Its heroes aren’t warriors with swords and lances, but kids with baseball bats and frying pans. The game is cheerful, full of bright visuals and quirky humor. All this stands in stark contrast to its villain, possibly the freakiest enemy to appear in any video game ever. Giygas is… an extraterrestrial entity driven insane by its own power, maybe? Whatever it is, it looks terrifying and can speak only in the fragmented phrases expected of a creature whose consciousness has been dissolved by evil. The fact that it’s impossible to defeat without using a strange trick makes it that much scarier.

5. Lavos (Chrono Trigger)

Chrono Trigger is another unusual RPG, not to mention a masterpiece. The hero travels through time from prehistory to the far future, and his companions—a medieval knight, a cave woman and a dilapidated robot, among others—span the whole of the world’s history. Their enemy? An extraterrestrial parasite called Lavos that burrows into the world’s crust, spends millennia draining the planet’s life and emerges to reduce it to ashes. Lavos isn’t so much a character as a deadly force, a cross between a plague and a thousand atomic weapons, destined to destroy the world—unless the player can stop it first, of course.

4. GLaDOS (Portal series)

GLaDOS, a computer developed by Aperture Science, is childish, sarcastic, spiteful and surprisingly likable. It puts the game’s protagonist through a series of tests, promising her a slice of cake if she succeeds in passing them all. Only partway through the game does it become clear that GLaDOS is trying to kill her. Even after its sinister nature is revealed, the computer remains an engaging character. For an amoral machine, GLaDOS earns quite a lot of respect—and perhaps even sympathy—from the player. Plus, GLaDOS sings “Still Alive.” Need I say more?

3. Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI)

Yes, he looks a bit like Joker from the Batman franchise, and yes, he shares the same twisted sense of glee, but Kefka is unforgettable. Before Kefka, most RPG villains were distant, predictable tyrants, who relied upon minions to eliminate the protagonists and sometimes made brief appearances to taunt the player. Then Kefka appears on the scene—as a lackey. A servant of the evil Emperor Gestahl, Kefka runs like a coward every time the player confronts him. Through betrayal and deception, however, Kefka attains an ancient power and devastates the earth. In the end, the protagonists don’t save the world—they save what’s left of it. Besides his memorable rise to power, Kefka is notable for his nihilistic views and fantastic musical theme, the four-part, twelve-to-seventeen-minute “Dancing Mad.”

2. Ganon (Legend of Zelda series)

Ganon, also called Ganondorf, is one stubborn guy. Generations of heroes rise to confront him, yet he manages to press on, century after century, relentlessly seeking the powerful relic known as the Triforce. Each game gives a slightly different spin on Ganon’s character. In Ocarina of Time, he’s a thief: arrogant, treacherous and cruel. Wind Waker introduces us to a sorrowful, bitter Ganon, and Twilight Princess gives us a Ganon pulling strings from the shadows. In every game, whether controlling fiends, transforming into monsters or facing the hero in single combat, Ganon is a force with which to be reckoned.

1. Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII)

Don’t be fooled by the long silver hair and stylish coat—Sephiroth is about as evil as a villain can get. Tragic backstory full of disastrous misunderstandings? Check. Delusions of godlike grandeur? Check. Utter disregard for morality, conscience or decency? Check. Tendency to massacre innocent, unsuspecting people? Check. Driven by a lust for power and revenge, Sephiroth manipulates one protagonist, brutally murders another and casually inflicts all kinds of havoc upon the world. Add his epic musical leitmotif, “One Winged Angel,” and you’ve got a villain to give the bravest hero second thoughts.

O people of the Internet, what great video game villains would you add to this list? Let us know in the comments!

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