I had planned to publish a longer post today, but unforeseen complications (read: typewriter monkeys) prevented me from writing one. Instead, here are ten essential steps to being a writer. (I originally shared them on Twitter some time ago.) I’ll do my best to publish a proper blog post next time. For now, dear reader, consider these steps, and write your way to success!
Step 1: Wear glasses. I’ve mastered this step.
Step 2: Acquire a computer, typewriter, pen, or Etch A Sketch pad.
Step 3: Obtain a comfortable chair. Nothing kills creativity like cramps.
Step 4: Write. This is the hardest step.
Step 5: Submit your writing, face rejections, weep, revise, repeat.
Step 6: Become dependent upon an addictive substance. Mine is coffee. (Disclaimer: Don’t really do this.)
Step 7: Be grateful to your readers. Don’t skip this step.
Step 8: Be jealous of better writers. If none are better than you, congratulations: You are P.G. Wodehouse.
Step 9: If you think your writing is never good enough, you’re probably doing it right.
Step 10: Profit. Unless you’re a religious writer, in which case: Prophet.
What are your best writing tips? Let us know in the comments!
Typewriter Monkey Task Force 
For lols:
– Write to make money. Lots of money. Write because you want to be Stephen King when it comes to bestsellers. Change your name to Steven Kang.
– Print up business cards that say “author” on them. Otherwise how will anyone know you’re an author? Do this before writing anything, because it’s that important.
– Quit often. No writer forces their work onto the page. If you aren’t feeling perfect, play some video games instead.
For reals:
– Write what you’re called to write. Don’t do something stupid like look at what’s popular and try to write that. Just ask Gabriel Green.
– When you’re writing a first draft, “throw up on the page.” Don’t edit. Don’t hold back. When a sentence sounds extremely stupid, and there will be some, keep writing. Editing comes later. (And is, sadly, required for good work.)
– Schedule time to write. If it’s on your to-do list for 10AM, you will sit down to write at 10AM. If it is just something “you’d like to do more of” then get some popcorn and watch your life fly by and never have any writing in it. Choose your priorities well.
Your advice is good… except for the bad “for lols” advice, which is bad. 😛
Incidentally, I met a card-carrying author once. She had written one book, which had not yet been published, and whose eventual publication was extremely limited. Even at the time, I thought the cards were a bit silly.
BUT YOU REMEMBER HER, DARN IT! 😛
True, but I’m not planning to read any of her books, am I?