In the past few years, apples have gradually taken over my life. It began innocently enough. I began buying apples as a healthy snack. The next thing I knew, I was eating applesauce every morning with breakfast, drinking apple cider most evenings, and occasionally snacking on apple pie. Just as the first Adam was enticed by the fruit of Eden, so this Adam seems to have ensnared by apples.

Honestly, I never meant to become an apple aficionado. The fruit crept stealthily into my diet, and it was only a month or two ago that I realized how much of my daily intake was apple-based. I suppose there are worse vices.

This is basically what my kitchen counter looks like. (I may be exaggerating just a bit.)

After realizing my fondness for apples, I resolved to find the perfect variety. I had favored Gala apples for a couple of years, having chosen them over other varieties simply because I liked the name. It was time for me to abandon old habits and explore new possibilities. It was a journey—the Quest for the Perfect Apple.

From the start, I shunned Red Delicious apples. These deceptively-named fruits are disgusting. Their thick, bitter skins cover fruit with the texture of wet cardboard and no particular flavor. I also avoided Granny Smith apples. These emerald-green fruits are perfect for baking, but too sour to eat raw.

Thus my quest began with Jazz apples, which were tart but tough. I moved on to Pink Lady apples. These were more yellow than pink, and not particularly tasty. As much as I wanted to try Fuji apples, which are renowned for their sweetness and crispness, I couldn’t find any at the local grocery store.

In the end, I returned to Gala apples. These crisp, sweet, nice-smelling fruits are tasty, healthy, and relatively inexpensive. I average about one apple daily. “An apple a day keeps the doctor away,” and doctors have kept their distance so far. (There is one Doctor I wouldn’t mind meeting, but he once claimed that “apples are rubbish,” so I’m not sure we would get along.)

I’ve already mentioned my liking for applesauce and pie; I also enjoy apple butter, fritters, and dumplings. For a few wonderful, all-too-short weeks every year, a nearby Amish market sells fresh-pressed apple cider by the gallon. There are a ridiculous number of ways to enjoy this delicious fruit.

In conclusion, apples have really grown on me. (Pun intended. I’m sorry.) I am an apple fanatic to the core. (I’m so sorry.) In this case, the phrase “Adam’s apple” is perfectly apple-poe—I mean, apropos. (I’m so, so sorry.) If you disbelieve my fondness for the fruit, this blog post is full of examples—just check out them apples! (I’m so, so, so sorry.) I hope these puns haven’t left any of my readers upset or apple-plectic—apoplectic, I mean. (I’m so… never mind.)

For the record, bananas and avocados are also pretty good.