When giving an interview some time ago about a video game in development, Eiji Aonuma, one of Nintendo’s top game designers, felt it necessary to illustrate a point by strutting around the room like a chicken.
This is why Nintendo is the best company.
Well, I’m back. So are my typewriter monkeys, which is too bad. When they skipped town and scampered off to Florida a couple of weeks ago, I hoped they would run into alligators, like this:
If I were truly fortunate, I thought, they might even be eaten by alligators, like this:
Alas, my monkeys’ travels were alligator-free, and the wretched blighters have returned, swaying drunkenly and smelling of bananas, wet fur, and bourbon. I don’t know how they spent their two-week break, or how long it will be before they resume their favorite hobby of setting stuff on fire, but I won’t ask. When you’ve run a blog as long as I have, you learn to stop asking these kinds of questions.
I don’t actually pay my monkeys to set stuff on fire. In fact, I don’t actually pay them for anything. (Thanks again for the comic, JK!)
While my typewriter monkeys were doing God-knows-what in the American South, I spent much of my break from this blog attending CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) classes. Now I have only to finish up my final week in the kitchens of the nursing home where I work, and then I’ll begin CNA training in earnest, before taking a couple of state exams. Then, God willing, I’ll settle into my new role at the nursing home: taking care of old people.
Y’know, change is hard.
I used to think I like change, but I was wrong. I like variety. Change and variety are different things. Variety is a refreshing, temporary break from routine. Variety is a vacation, a road trip, or a new flavor of pie. By contrast, change destroys routine, only to remake it. Change is an exhausting rearrangement and relearning of routines. Change is moving, getting married, or switching jobs.
It was a change, albeit a really good one, when I left my old job to work at the nursing home. As awesome as it was to leave behind an awful workplace, the transition took effort. My current transition from Dish Washer Guy to Nurse Assistant Guy has already been challenging… and I’ve only just started.
For a person whose twenty-something years have been full of change, I’m not particularly good at it. I’m frequently surprised by how hard transitions are. At this point, I really should know what to expect, but change nearly always catches me off guard. Still, I’m learning—or so I like to think.
Change is hard, but I’m still here, so I suppose that counts for something. It will be nice to settle into comfortable consistency over the next few months. In the meantime, I’ll keep practicing my CNA skills: making beds, taking vital signs, and washing my hands with the frenzied desperation of Lady Macbeth. OUT, DAMNED SPOT! OUT, I SAY! (That’s a Shakespeare joke.)
I just heard glass breaking, and I can smell gasoline, so I had better see what my typewriter monkeys have done this time. Whatever the changes or challenges in your life, dear reader, I bid you Godspeed! TMTF will be back next time with its usual nonsense… I hope. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to remember where I left the fire extinguisher.
Today’s post was written by my dear dad. When he’s not being an awesome missionary or drawing pictures of monkeys, he spends a fair bit of time in the kitchen… on occasion, actually cooking. Following is a list of practical tips á la Steve Smith (of Red Green fame) compiled during my dad’s first attempt at baking zucchini muffins.
1. It’s always good to find a recipe that includes instructions as well as ingredients, unless you’re really good at culinary improvisation.
2. Whatever your temperament, stress can be avoided by removing the battery from the smoke detector before starting.
3. It saves time to search for ingredients where you’d least expect to find them first.
4. If, like myself, you hate washing muffin pans, use small cake pans instead. A muffin is a muffin, irrespective of size or shape.
5. They may look the same and share a first name, but baking powder and baking soda are not interchangeable. Also, if you end up (through no fault of your own) dumping in a whole teaspoon instead of the requisite half, you can skim most of the baking soda (or powder, as the case may be) off the top of the mix with a teaspoon. This maneuver grows steadily more complicated in direct proportion to the amount of time it takes for you to notice your mistake.
6. Throw in some raisins. That way, if your muffins turn out really gooey, you can always pass them off as bread pudding.
7. Mixing the batter by hand (i.e. with your fingers) guarantees a smooth blend, saves wear-and-tear on kitchen utensils, and makes for less washing up later. Another small economy: After dealing with the zucchini, keep the vegetable grater handy. You can use it to scrape the finished product out of the pans at the end and save yourself the trouble of messing with a spatula.
8. If your kitchen, like mine, doesn’t boast hot running water and you happen to be boiling broccoli while you bake, drain the vegetable water into the mixing bowl with a little detergent (after removing the batter, of course) for effective pre-wash, grease-removing action.
9. Some gas ovens refuse to light unless you hold the control knob down for a bit. (Contentious old buzzards, what?) Apparently, this information can be found in the “manual,” whatever that is.
10. If your oven isn’t spacious, your pans may tilt. This transforms the contents into something akin to the windswept dunes of the Sahara Desert. Caught in time, however, a judicious readjustment will return your muffin batter to the smooth, flat Death Valley it was meant to be—a strictly topographical reference, naturally.
11. Dish towels double very nicely as hot-pads as long as (a) your wife is well out of range, (b) you can take second-degree burns like a man and (c) you’ve remembered to remove the smoke-alarm battery as per Step 2.
12. Muffins in the oven can bubble like the Ugbischú Tar Pits. How cool is that?
13. If the recipe neglects to elucidate upon the precise temperature of your oven or the exact baking time, dial the knob around to about eight o’clock and then shut the blighted thing down when the finish goes from glossy to matte—I refer to the muffins, of course, not the paint on the stove.
14. If you’re out of toothpicks, a sliver from the wicker basket in the laundry room works just as well… especially if you haven’t the foggiest idea what the point of sticking it in the muffins is anyway.
15. There are very few baking errors that can’t be effectively masked by the generous application of melted butter, brown sugar and cinnamon before giving away your baked goods—or in the less fortunate cases, baked bads—to neighbors.
And remember that you’ll always have recourse to the admirable advice enshrined in the official motto of the Possum Lodge:
When all else fails play dead
This post was originally published on March 21, 2014. TMTF shall return with new content on August 24, 2015!
No geeky commentary today. Just a picture of Totoro. Enjoy.
This post was originally published on September 4, 2013. TMTF shall return with new content on August 24, 2015!
There are many English translations of God’s Word. How many? I’m not sure, but I prefer not to spend years of my life counting.
I often read the Bible, and when I do, I prefer the 1984 New International Version.
Confession: I am a Condescending Bible Translation Guy.
In my twenty-two years, I’ve stumbled upon some Bible translations that are best described as… quirky.
Here’s part of 1 Corinthians 13 in the plain English of the New International Version.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Here’s the same passage in the HWP Bible. That’s the Hawaiian Pidgin Bible, in case you were wondering. Read this excerpt aloud. Read slowly. Savor it.
Wen you get love an aloha, dat no goin pau eva. Da guys dat talk fo God, bumbye no need fo da tings dey say. Wen peopo talk diffren kine, bumbye nobody goin talk lidat. Da stuff da smart guys know, no matta, bumbye no need. You know, we ony know litto bit. Wen we talk fo God, we get ony litto bit fo tell. Bumbye, goin come da time wen everyting stay perfeck. Dat time, no need fo da litto bit kine stuff no moa. Small kid time, I wen talk jalike one small kid. I wen tink jalike one small kid. I wen figga everyting jalike one small kid. Now, I big, dass why I no do da tings da same way da small kids do um.
Right now, us guys can see stuff, but ony jalike wit one junk mirror. Hard fo figga wat we see dea. But bumbye, goin be clear. Us guys goin see everyting jalike was right dea in front our face. Right now, I ony know litto bit. But bumbye, I goin undastan everyting, jalike God undastan everyting bout me.
So now, get three tings dat stay: we can trus God, an we can know everyting goin come out okay bumbye, an we get love an aloha. From da three tings, da love an aloha kine, dass da main ting, an da bestes way.
Then there’s my favorite offbeat translation of Scripture… the lolcat version.
Luv no haz endingz. Tellin the futurez, tungz, an alla stuffz u know wil die. We haz knowingz a bit, an we haz profacy a bit. We no haz two much tho. O, wait. Win teh perfict coemz, teh not perfict will dyez, lolol. Wen i wuz a kitten, i meweded leik a kitten, thinkded liek a kittenz, an I chazed strings liek a kittenz. Wen i wuz becomez a cat, i NO WANT kitten waiz ne moar. For nao we see in teh foggy mirorr like when teh human gets out of teh shower, but tehn we see faec tow faec. Nao i haz knowingz just a bit, tehn i will haz all teh knowingz, as i haz been knownz.
Nao faithz an hoepz an luvz r hear, theses threes, but teh bestest iz teh luv. srsly.
Yes, this is a real translation. The entire Bible has been translated into lolspeak, the Internet language of funny cat picture captions. After all, the Apostle Paul did write about becoming “all things to all people.”
What’s your preferred version of the Bible? Are you a Condescending Bible Translation Person or do you prefer idiomatic versions like The Message? Let us know in the comments!
This post was originally published on March 22, 2013. TMTF shall return with new content on August 24, 2015!
In my twenty-odd years, I’ve done some traveling and been immersed in many different cultures. It’s been fascinating to observe different customs for greetings, goodbyes, and displays of respect or affection.
In Ecuador, where I grew up, it’s common for men and women to greet each other with hugs or kisses on the cheek. Uruguay, where my parents work, can be a little more effusive: men often greet other men with cheek kisses. The US, where I currently reside, generally frowns upon such intimate displays of affection; waves and handshakes are the norm. In South Korea, where I spent a month teaching, slight bows are used to demonstrate respect or gratitude.
Yes, I’ve seen all kinds of greetings. Which is the best? My all-time favorite greeting, by far, is the gentleman’s gesture known as the fist bump.
The fist bump is quick, friendly, informal, and surprisingly healthy. Handshakes spread germs like nobody’s business. Besides, palms perspire and that’s gross. There’s also the discomfort that comes from knowing neither how hard to grip a hand nor for how long to hold it.
Hugs, especially with strangers or distant acquaintances, aren’t much better. Am I the only person who finds it awkward to press my body up against someone whom I don’t know well? It was also uncomfortable in Ecuador and Uruguay when people swooped in to kiss me.
I… actually have no criticisms for slight bows. I bow to people occasionally. It’s a pity bowing hasn’t caught on in the West.
Fist bumps are definitely my favorite greeting, though. They represent a kind of warm, casual friendliness while never getting too up close and personal. Fist bumps are quick, easy, and sanitary. When I worked in a group home for gentlemen with disabilities—an environment in which no one washed his hands without being asked—fist bumps were an especially welcome alternative to handshakes.
If you ever happen to run into me, dear reader, feel free to give me a fist bump.
This post was originally published on August 22, 2014. TMTF shall return with new content on August 24, 2015!
A wise person once said, “Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman. Then be Batman.”
Batman is my favorite superhero. Christopher Nolan’s excellent films introduced me to the brilliant, skilled martial arts prodigy who decided the best way to cleanse his city of corruption was to dress up like a bat, throw pointy objects at evildoers and drive around in a really neat car.
Batman is interesting because he has no superpowers. His abilities are the fruit of determination, intelligence and self-discipline, augmented with some sweet technology.
More significantly, Batman is a conflicted character. I like conflicted characters. Granted, most superheroes have insecurities. Batman is different. As Charlie Brown would say, his anxieties have anxieties; Batman is the eponymous sufferer of Batman Syndrome. Nevertheless, he keeps going. He sees no joy and little hope in doing the right thing, yet he does it anyway. I admire that.
On a less intellectual level, Batman is really cool.
However, like every other person on Earth, Batman has bad days. The charming animation above depicts a day when the Caped Crusader just can’t seem to catch a break. Keep an eye out for an appearance from comics legend Stan Lee!
This post was originally published on May 22, 2013. TMTF shall return with new content on August 24, 2015!
God loves the people who fall asleep in church.
This comes as a relief to me, since my thoughts sometimes wander to the ends of Earth during sermons. To borrow a phrase inadvertently coined by an acquaintance of mine, I tend to daze off during services—to slip into a blank state of mind somewhere between a daze and a doze in which I’m only vaguely aware of the message being preached.
I suspect the reason some churches serve coffee is to keep churchgoers awake during the sermon. Other churches, not quite so shrewd, make the mistake of serving real wine during communion services—there’s nothing like alcohol to make churchgoers drowsy.
One of my favorite stories in the Bible concerns a young man who fell asleep during church. Paul, the missionary who wrote about half of the books in the New Testament, was preaching in an upstairs room late at night. As Paul droned on and on, a young man named Eutychus fell asleep, plummeted from a third-story window and died.
It would have been awful if the story had ended there. The moral of the story would have been You fall asleep in church, you die. The story continues, however, and we learn two great things about God. First, he loves the people who fall asleep in church. Second, he has a sense of humor.
After Eutychus fell out the window, Paul rushed down to the street and put his arms around his dead body. “Don’t be alarmed,” he said. “He’s alive!” Eutychus revived, much to the delight of the people. Paul went upstairs, had something to eat—and kept preaching.
If I had been God, I might have considered not restoring Eutychus to life. “Let his death stand as a warning to all future sleepers in churches,” I might have said. Fortunately for churchgoers everywhere, the Lord is very merciful. Eutychus was revived and God’s love for all people—even people who fall asleep during church—was demonstrated.
(The story of Eutychus can be found in Acts 20:7-12.)
There are quite a number of funny things like that in the Bible.
There’s the poetic passage in which God described the stupidity of ostriches (Job 39:13-17).
There’s the tragicomic story of how King David’s murderous son Absalom was killed by soldiers after he rode beneath an oak tree, got his head caught in a branch and dangled helplessly in midair as his mule went on without him (2 Samuel 18:9-15).
There’s the account of how, during a contest between God and the false god Baal, the prophet Elijah taunted rival prophets with snarky remarks (1 Kings 18:22-29).
For all its seriousness—and it can certainly be serious—the Bible is sometimes pretty funny.
This post was originally published on December 14, 2011. TMTF shall return with new content on August 24, 2015!
Things have changed in the life of Adam Stück.
Well, some things have changed; others remain adamantly (no pun intended, I swear) the same. I’m still reading, writing, watching cartoons, drinking too much coffee, and striving (with typically mixed results) to follow Christ and live a worthwhile life. However, the Adam of today is not quite the same fellow as the Adam of yesteryear. What has changed?
I am happy. Quite unexpectedly, after prolonged misery, I am consistently happy.
It’s been a few months since I left my old job at a group home for disabled gentlemen, shaking the dust off my feet as a testimony against it. I love those guys—in fact, I visit ’em regularly—but that workplace had become as dysfunctional as all heck. That job, which was never easy, had become unbearable; its toxic influence had reached even the farthest corners of my life. I felt almost constantly tired, stressed, and gloomy. Only since moving on have I realized just how bad things were.
In many ways, my new job has been awesome. It ain’t glamorous, but my workplace is functional, my responsibilities are reasonable, and my coworkers and managers treat me with the respect due a living human being. It has been a vast improvement, and I’m consistently happier than I’ve been in years.
Of course, “happier than I’ve been in years” is not quite the same thing as “happily ever after.” Life is still complicated. Depression comes and goes.
Things aren’t perfect, but they are better. Thank God, things are better.
Why am I writing any of this? Well, I ramble a lot about distant memories and geeky nonsense, but hardly ever about how I am now. For now, I seem to be happy and highly caffeinated, and I am okay with that.
All right, so much for the personal update. Have some news about this blog.
TMTF will be taking a two-week break, returning with new content on August 24. During the break, I’ll dust off old posts and republish them on the blog’s usual schedule, because recycling is good for the environment.
Here, in no particular order, are several reasons for the break.
TMTF shall return with new content on Monday, August 24. As always, thanks so much for reading!
Who is scarier: Nicolas Cage or Tim Curry?
Discuss.
Typewriter Monkey Task Force 