391. Adam Turns into the Hulk and Rants about Expensive Coffee Drinks

Caution: This blog post contains furious ranting. Sensitive readers, and readers averse to things being smashed, are advised not to continue.

This may surprise you, but I drink a lot of coffee.

Throne of Coffee Cups

This is a fairly accurate depiction of the area around my desk.

As an addicted enthusiastic drinker of coffee, I know a thing or two about this heavenly beverage. For starters, it’s flipping tasty. Coffee also clears the mind and refreshes the spirit, bringing health to the body and nourishment to the bones. It warms and strengthens.

As a final benefit, coffee is pretty cheap. Sure, exotic or flavored blends of coffee are expensive, but these are easily ignored in favor of cheaper options. Plain, simple, honest-to-God coffee is an affordable luxury.

Well… plain coffee is sometimes an affordable luxury. You see, when it’s sold in a can or bottle, coffee is outrageously expensive. I’m looking at you, Starbucks.

What makes coffee so special when it’s put in a can or bottle that Starbucks demands so much for it? Starbucks is apparently the only big company to sell canned and bottled coffee. Why is this? Why?! Why are there no major competitors to challenge Starbucks’s ruthless monopoly of the coffee drink industry? How hard can it be to put coffee in a can or bottle with some cream and sweetener?

From the price of its coffee drinks, I can only assume Starbucks uses coffee beans imported from the mythical land of Shambhala, sugar from the tables of faerie kings, and milk from the sacred cows of the Himalayas. How else can Starbucks explain charging two or three dollars for a small can or bottle of coffee?

It makes me angry just thinking about it. I mean… there are no cheaper options… it’s just… I… I….

BLOG SMASH!

COFFEE OR SMASH!

COFFEE IS LIFE. HULK LOVE COFFEE. KNOW WHAT? HULK NOT ONLY ONE. AMERICA LOVE COFFEE. AMERICA ALSO LOVE CANNED AND BOTTLED DRINKS LIKE TEA AND SODA.

OBVIOUS STRATEGY IS COMBINE SUCCESSFUL BUSINESS MODELS BY SELLING COFFEE IN CANS AND BOTTLES. LIKE STARBUCKS. STARBUCKS MAKE LOTS OF MONEY BY SELLING COFFEE DRINKS.

WHY NO OTHER COMPANIES OFFER CHEAPER ALTERNATIVES? PLAIN COFFEE NOT EXPENSIVE. PUT PLAIN COFFEE IN PLASTIC BOTTLE—NOT PRICEY GLASS BOTTLE LIKE STARBUCKS—WITH CREAMER AND CORN SYRUP. THIS NOT FANCY COFFEE DRINK, BUT IS CHEAP AND PLENTY TASTY.

WHY IS EXPENSIVE STARBUCKS COFFEE ONLY OPTION ON MARKET? WHERE COMPETITION? WHERE CHEAPER BRANDS AND OTHER OPTIONS?

AND WHY ALL STARBUCKS DRINKS SO PRICEY? WHY STARBUCKS NO OFFER BUDGET-PRICED DRINKS WITH CHEAPER INGREDIENTS IN PLASTIC BOTTLES?

OTHER COUNTRIES HAVE NON-STARBUCKS COFFEE DRINKS. JAPAN AND SOUTH KOREA SELL OTHER CANNED COFFEES. (HULK BEEN TO KOREA AND DRUNK CANS OF COFFEE.) IT CAN BE DONE. IN AMERICA—COUNTRY ADDICTED TO COFFEE AND DRINKS OUT OF CANS AND BOTTLES—WHY STARBUCKS ONLY BIG COMPANY TO COMBINE THESE PRODUCTS?

PLEASE STARBUCKS. OFFER CHEAPER OPTIONS. PLEASE OTHER DRINK COMPANIES. PUT COFFEE IN CANS AND BOTTLES. SELL CHEAP COFFEE DRINKS. GIVE AMERICA OTHER OPTIONS. END REIGN OF STARBUCKS. END MADNESS.

HULK OUT!

…Sorry. I spaced out there for a minute. What was I talking about? Coffee. That’s right. Flipping heck, I could use some. Please excuse me. I need a cup of the strong stuff.

4 thoughts on “391. Adam Turns into the Hulk and Rants about Expensive Coffee Drinks

  1. I sense a business opportunity. Setup a Kickstarter campaign to buy yourself a bottling/canning machine. Make your own bottles of coffee and sell them. End result: you get income and cheaper bottled coffee.

  2. I personally can’t stand coffee. Not taste or even smell. That turns out pretty well for me as it’s something that I don’t have to spend money on. But I can empathize. Root beer in glass bottles is by far the tastiest, but it’s crazy expensive and there aren’t many companies that make it as such.
    Good luck with the coffee thing, though.

    • The world is big enough even for people who don’t like coffee. 😉

      You’re right about soda in glass bottles tasting the best! It makes me miss Ecuador, where returning an empty glass bottle to the store allows a shopper to buy a new one cheaply. It’s recycling with the shopkeeper as the middleman, and I miss it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s