Caution: This blog post contains furious ranting. Sensitive readers, and readers averse to things being smashed, are advised not to continue.
It’s that time of year again. Today is the day I stay inside, bolt the door, drink tea, and reflect upon the injustices of the world. Of all these, one of the greatest is that Black Friday, America’s annual celebration of consumerism, takes place on the day after Thanksgiving.
Look, Black Friday has every right to exist. I may not like the event, but I don’t think it’s inherently bad. Black Friday is a great opportunity for businesses to make money, and an equally great opportunity for consumers to buy things cheaply. Everybody wins. There are few problems, except for the fact that Black Friday now eclipses the one day we set apart for being thankful.
Black Friday’s timing is the worst kind of irony. It’s infuriating. The whole thing… I mean… it’s so frustrating… it makes my stomach hurt…
BLACK FRIDAY HAS WORST TIMING OF ANY EVENT IN UNIVERSE. HULK WOULD SMASH BLACK FRIDAY, BUT CRAZED SHOPPERS ALREADY CAUSE ENOUGH DAMAGE.
HULK ADMIT BLACK FRIDAY ITSELF IS NOT BAD. EVEN ITS TIMING AFTER THANKSGIVING MAKE SENSE—PEOPLE HAVE DAYS OFF FOR HOLIDAY AND CAN SHOP FREELY. DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING IS ALSO START OF CHRISTMAS SHOPPING SEASON AND CONVENIENT DAY FOR BUYING THINGS.
DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING IS ALSO STUPID DAY FOR BUYING THINGS.
THANKSGIVING IS ONE DAY OF YEAR WE SET ASIDE TO BE THANKFUL. THANKSGIVING IS NOW OVERSHADOWED BY CRAZY CONSUMERISM. BEAUTIFUL HOLIDAY IS NOW CLUTTERED WITH AGGRESSIVE ADS FROM BUSINESSES TO BUY MORE AND SPEND MONEY AND GET STUFF. MESSAGE OF NOVEMBER MONTH IS NO LONGER “Relax, rejoice, and be thankful” BUT “You can buy a TV for 70% off at Wal-Mart—OMG, guys! Go buy it! Buy it now!”
THANKSGIVING IS NO LONGER QUIET DAY TO EAT AND BE THANKFUL AND SPEND TIME WITH FAMILY. THANKSGIVING IS NOW DAY OF PREPARATION FOR BLACK FRIDAY.
SOME STORES NOW EVEN OPEN ON THANKSGIVING DAY! HULK ASK AMERICA: IS NO THING SACRED?! YOU NOT SATISFIED TO ECLIPSE THANKSGIVING? YOU MUST STIR UP GREED AND FRENZY ON THANKSGIVING DAY ITSELF?!”
BLACK FRIDAY IS DAY OF CHAOS AND VIOLENCE. PEOPLE GET ANGRY. PEOPLE GET HURT. PEOPLE HAVE DIED. HULK USUALLY MAKE POINT BY SMASHING THINGS, BUT SHOPPERS TODAY BEAT HULK AT HULK’S OWN GAME.
THIS DAY OF GREED, SELFISHNESS, VIOLENCE, STRESS, AND NOISE CASTS SHADOW OVER THANKSGIVING: DAY OF PEACE, REST, JOY, FEASTING, AND FUN. BLACK FRIDAY COULD BE ANY DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY.
HULK ASK AMERICA: WHY CHOOSE DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING FOR SHOPPING DAY? WHY DISTRACT FROM PEACE AND THANKFULNESS WITH WORRY AND GREED? WHY? WHY?!
HULK NOT UNDERSTAND. HULK NEVER UNDERSTAND.
HULK BEG PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. PLEASE. HONOR THANKSGIVING. REST. EAT. BE THANKFUL. AND IF YOU SHOP ON BLACK FRIDAY: BE KIND AND RESPONSIBLE.
Whoa, that was disorienting. Did I turn into the Hulk again? I blame the mutagenic effects of my wireless Internet connection—it may not be as dangerous as gamma radiation, but it sure does the trick. I suppose violent, unpredictable mutations are a cross we bloggers must bear. Well, I had better go put on a shirt.