Our Parent of Unspecified Gender,

Hallowed be your name—which is, naturally, whatever we want it to be.

Your kingdom come, but only if you make it a democracy.

Your will be done, but only if it doesn’t interfere with ours,

On earth as it is in heaven, the latter being a quaint metaphor.

Give us this day our daily bread (which we deserve)

And don’t bother forgiving our debts

Because we have no debts—after all, sin is just an outdated philosophy.

Don’t feel obligated to keep us out of temptation, because it’s just natural instinct;

Or evil, since discriminating against anything is intolerant.

For yours is the kingdom (just democratize it!)

And the power (just don’t use it!)

And the glory forever,

But only if you acknowledge you’re no more special than the rest of us.

Amen.