Dear Hollywood Executives,
You all read this blog, right? Yes? Excellent. I know you’re all very busy, so I’ll get right down to business. There are some things we need to discuss.
First of all, stop remaking films and television shows from the eighties. I know building on existing franchises is easier than creating new ones, but your remakes are tired and predictable.
Instead of remaking lousy old shows, why not make more literary adaptations? I’ve got a list for you right here. (Good job making Ender’s Game happen, by the way. It was about freaking time!) Literature is packed with stuff your viewers would love. You’ve just got to give it to them.
Since you’re so good at adapting existing works into movies, why not target the gaming demographic with video game movies that, you know, don’t totally stink? Not every game can be made into a good movie—ahem, Super Mario Bros.—but there are plenty of franchises with endless potential. Take video games seriously. Give us characters, not men with big muscles and women with big busts. Give us stories, not predictable plots riddled with clichés.
This next issue is a touchy one, but we’ve got to face it.
Hollywood, your Christians stink.
Seriously. Do your research. Find out what authentic Christians look like, and stop insulting us with shameless hypocrites, arrogant bigots and sociopathic lunatics. Christianity has its share of awful people, but we’re not all that bad. Just as most Muslims aren’t terrorists, most Christians aren’t your offensive stereotypes. Come on, Hollywood. It ain’t that darn hard.
Heck, I’ll even give you a good example. Look at Joss Whedon. He’s an atheist, and also a phenomenally successful director. (The Avengers is the third-highest earning film of all time. I’m just saying.) In Firefly, his highly-acclaimed show about lawless scoundrels, Whedon included a Christian character called Shepherd Book. This character isn’t a stereotype. As a Christian, he’s actually Christlike—and simply likable. Shepherd Book is a well-developed character with a dry sense of humor. Fans appreciate him.
Learn from Joss Whedon, Hollywood.
Speaking of Christians, we’re quite a sizable demographic. Have you considered, you know, actually making big-budget Christian films? The Passion of the Christ, which everyone expected to fail, earned roughly twenty times its budget. More recently,The Bible, a television miniseries, became a huge commercial success. Believe it or not, people want to see good Christian media. We need moviemakers with the courage (and cash) to make some.
With superhero movies being so popular, can we get a decent Deadpool movie? Please?
Finally, for heaven’s sake, stop letting Michael Bay and M. Night Shyamalan direct movies. That is all.
P.S. We’re tired of vampires and zombies, Hollywood. Find some new monsters.
May I suggest one more issue? Pretend you don’t have CGI available. Can the movie be compelling without relying on special effects? They are called special effects, not common effects, so use them sparingly. Or, as Syndrome would say, when all effects are special, then none is.
Well said, Some Guy. I’m still cynically amazed the Death Star “trench run” scene from the original Star Wars (a sequence shot using a miniature set on ping pong tables in a parking lot, if I remember correctly) is more exciting than the extravagant CGI scenes from the prequel films.